Dealing
by arualms
Summary: After the events of The Perfect Storm, the Cohens plus one try to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened to them over the summer and the past years
1. Wakeup call

AN:I got fed up with the fact that there are so many issues the show keeps failing to address, so I started writing this. It starts after "The Perfect Storm" and goes AU after that.

Also this is my first fan fiction and since English is not my native language and I do not have a beta, mistakes are bound to appear. Feel free to correct me, or offer yourself as a beta, whichever you like.

Disclaimer: If I owned them, I would not need to write this as a fan fiction, because it would happen on the actual show.

**Wakeup call**

„You do not honestly believe that just because you are here now, we are not going to talk about what you almost did, do you?" Seth's angry voice startled him out of his thoughts and Ryan sat up in his bed. His friend/ almost-brother was standing in the doorframe, looking at him with a mixture of hurt, anger and something else that Ryan could not identify. "What?" he replied groggily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Don't you _dare_ pretend that you don't know what I am talking about" Seth was positively fuming. „You were going to leave! Just like that, you were going to leave all of us, leave me behind and why? ´Cause you got yourself in trouble and could not go to school with us anymore? Things get difficult and you run away, is that it?"

"You do realize that that is what you did last year, don't you?" Ryan snapped back. He was not in the mood for this. He had spend almost all of last night lying awake, agonizing over whether or not staying had been the correct decision, he was too tired to argue with Seth. Also, he had hoped that at least Seth would try to understand. Apparently, no such luck.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Seth actually seemed baffled by Ryan's outburst. "I'm talking about the fact that you took your stupid boat and sailed into the sunset only hours after I went to Chino" "That was different!" "You are right, it was different! _You_ left without saying goodbye, _you_ left without telling anyone how long you would be gone, _you_ left planning to never come back!" Ryan was fastly loosing his temper. He had wanted to say some of these things to Seth forever and somehow now was the moment he actually did. It felt strangely liberating.

* * *

Seth stared at Ryan in shock, at a loss of how to deal with this angry version of his almost-brother. But then he remembered why he had come to the pool house in the first place and regained his courage. "This is not about me and something I did over a year ago. This about you and your willingness to throw away everything we have, everything my, I mean our parents did for you. This is about the fact that the only reason you are still here is your girlfriend!" He had gained speed while he was talking, no yelling at Ryan and when he finished, he needed to take a deep breath before looking Ryan in the eyes. "This is about the fact that apparently you do not love our family enough to stay." The last part came out quiet and eeringly calm.

* * *

Ryan looked at his bare feet, clenching and unclenching his fists, trying to concentrate on evening out his breathing to match the faraway sound of the waves. The rhythm had a calming effect on him ever since his first night in the pool house, when it had been the only thing he could hear and he concentrated on the sound to suppress his fear and the never-ending litany of "What now" in his head.

He tilted his head, searching Seth's eyes to make sure he was listening, to make sure he would be able to gauge his reaction and see whether or not he understood. "I was not going to leave forever, Seth. I was going to come back. I was not planning to leave you or your parents behind. I just needed some time to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do. It was only gonna be for three weeks, Seth!"

If the flicker of anger and hurt in Seth eyes was any indication, this was not what he had wanted to hear. "If you so desperately needed that time away, then why did you stay for Marissa? Sorry Ryan, but that just does not make sense. You were going to leave and she was the only one important enough to make you stay!"

Ryan sighed in frustration. He should have known that Seth would see it this way. As much has he liked his best friend, the guy did tend to be self-absorbed and see things only in the way they related to him. Although to be fair, things had gotten a lot better over the summer. He took another deep breath and tried to explain. "I did not stay because Marissa is more important to me than you or your parents. She is not. I stayed because she needed me to. She came to the ship and told me that I was just like her father. Do you know how much his leaving hurt her? I could not hurt her even more, not after what she already went through because of me. That is why I stayed."

He had moved towards one of the windows while talking, but now he turned back to Seth, trying to figure out if he understood now. "What do you mean, after what she went through because of you? What the hell are you talking about" Apparently not. He sighed. Asking Seth to just let it go would be futile, so he once more took a deep breath. "Trey is _my_ brother, Seth. She spent time with him because _I_ asked her to. If I had not done that, none of this would ever have happened. If there is anything, anything I can do to make it up to her, then I have to try. It is the least I can do."

* * *

Seth stared at his almost-brother. He sounded so defeated; as if he had spent months, years fighting a loosing battle and was finally ready to give up. He did not know what to say. The facts that Ryan had given him were true, but still. What Trey had done was not Ryan's fault. Didn't he know that? Did he really think that he was the one to blame? But when he thought about it, he could totally see Ryan do exactly that. Ryan was the king of assuming responsibility after all. He sighed. If Ryan had been thinking, believing that all this time, then this was a problem far bigger than just his attempt to leave. He would need back up to deal with this. The ´rents should be up already. He would have to talk to them, figure out what they were going to do -together. Because there was no way they could let Ryan go on believing _that_. "Ok" he nodded at Ryan "I can accept that for now. We still need to talk, but it is ok for now. I am gonna leave you to do - whatever you wanna do. See you later, ok?"

* * *

"Ok" Ryan agreed. That was at least something. The prospect of more talking did not bore well with him, but at least Seth no longer seemed quite as mad as he had when he had woken him up. That was at least something. And the rest, well he would just have to deal with that later. He took another calming breath, trying to ignore the growing feeling of unease as he watched Seth making his way towards the main house.

_review, pretty, pretty please! I need to know if I should continue this._


	2. The First Step

disclaimer: see chapter 1

AN: Thanks to everyone who commented, especially those who gave me their advice. I repeat, this is my first fanfiction, so I am greatfullto everyone who helps me improve

**The First Step**

Sandy and Kirsten paused in their conversation when Seth entered the kitchen. His father looked at him and if his questioning gaze was any indication, something in his face apparently gave away the fact that he was –what exactly was he? Troubled by the fact that he had no clue what to do for Ryan, shocked by the fact that he had been to preoccupied to realize that his best friend blamed himself for his brother's screw-up, still mad that Ryan had wanted to leave, baffled by the anger he had heard clearly in his friends voice when Ryan had spoken about his own trip on a boat, defeated by the realization that getting Ryan back into Harbour would not be enough to solve the problem. Yeah, all of that at the same time. What had caused his parents to look at him with that "Tell us what is wrong" expression was probably the helplessness and confusion caused by the mixture of all those emotions and thoughts. Really, there should be something in his brain that helped him make sense of the chaos that was his mind. It would definitely come in handy in all kinds of situations, not just now.

"Seth?" his mothers questioning tone interrupted his already jumbled thought process and he turned to face her. "What is wrong, honey? You seem " "Upset" his father finished. The fact that they were back to being able to end each others sentences was oddly comforting- in a way which he did not want to analyse in to much detail, as this level of intimacy usually was a sing of- something he definitely did not want to think about. They were his parent, thank you very much.

"That's very perceptive of you guys, since I actually kind of am. Upset I mean. I just had a talk with Ryan and" "What happened. He did not change his mind again, did he?" The fear in his mother's eyes was almost painful to look at. Did Ryan even realize how much he had hurt her, had hurt all of them? Because, no matter what he had said about his reasons for listening to Marissa, the fact that he did not stay for them remained. And it hurt. „No, he didn't." Seth hurried to reassure her. No reason to cause a panic.

"That's not what I am upset about. It was just- I wanted to talk to him, figure out what he was thinking, you know? Let's just say that the conversation did not go as planned. I mean I went there ready to let him have it for almost abandoning me, us, again and then…" He stopped himself. Did he really want to tell his parents how Ryan had gotten mad at him, had yelled about Portland with so much anger in his voice? For some reason that he had decided way back not to question, his parents had seemingly forgotten all about that when he came back. He would prefer to keep it like that. Plus, they had to focus on Ryan, anyways.

"Seth?" His father sounded a little confused. The fact that he had willingly stopped talking, without being interrupted or told to be quiet, might have had something to do with that. Where was he? "Right, so I told him I could not believe how he was gonna leave us just like that and that he only stayed for Marissa, because she seemed to be more important to him"

"You _said_ that to him? Seth, what were you thinking? Are you _trying_ to drive him away? We finally fixed things and you antagonize him?" Kirsten sounded rather exasperated. Still, he was somehow glad she had stopped him, since he had no idea what he would have said otherwise. Could he really just tell them about what Ryan had said? Wouldn't that be violating some kind of brother/ best friend honour code? Ryan had said those things to him in private, maybe he had no right to pass that conversation on to the ´rents. God knows he would be screwed if Ryan ever decided to give them some insight into _Seth's_ thoughts- the ones he had not told them already, which were still quite a lot. Amazing, considering his tendency to speak out loud everything that entered his brain. But that was not the point. Should he really tell his parents?

He was already trying to figure out a way to back out of the conversation when his mother's words sank in. She thought things were fixed. She actually believed that now that Ryan was back at Harbour, everything was ok. And while he understood where she was coming from, while part of him had wanted to believe that himself, it was simply not true. Things were so far from fixed, it was not even funny. And if they could not see it themselves, then he really did have to tell them. Ryan surely would not do it himself.

* * *

Sandy studied his son's expression while the kid seemed to gather his courage for something. The idea of Seth taking what for him was a lot of to time to think before he talked was rather worrisome. If there was one thing he used to trust in, in was his son's habit of always speaking his mind- sometimes to openly. Whatever had happened in the pool house, it had not only upset Seth but shaken him so badly that he felt like he had to gather his thoughts before telling them what was on his mind. That was a bad sing.

Sandy was not naïve, he knew that getting Ryan readmitted would not make all of the kid's problems magically disappear, but he had hoped to wait for things to calm down a little before trying to confront his foster- son. Seth obviously did not have that much patience. Considering he was Seth, he probably should not have expected anything different.

"Ok, before we start The Big Talk" Sandy could actually hear the capital letters. „We have to agree on some stuff. You have to promise me not to use this against Ryan somehow, ok? Like, I do not even know how you could use it against him, but you have to promise anyways, because otherwise it would be my fault, and then Ryan would never talk to me again."

"No using it against Ryan, we get it." His wife had obviously realized how on the edge their son was, as well. There was no sarcasm in her voice. Seth seemed satisfied with her answer. "Good. Ok, so this is it. I talked to Ryan and I asked him why he stayed, why Marissa could talk him into staying when we couldn't. And…" Hearing the confusion in his son's voice as he trailed of, Sandy stepped forward and placed his hand carefully on his back. Seth may often protest his physical sings of affection, but it seemed to be something he needed right now. The boy took a deep, shuddering breath and continued.

"He says he has to do everything in his power to protect Marissa from pain. And while I would love to say that protecting Marissa is simply a part of who Ryan is, this is more complicated than that. He thinks that what happened with Trey is his fault. He blames himself." The quiet following that statement was so different from the usual banter, it was almost painful.

_Feedback makes me happy!_


	3. Missing Pieces

disclaimer: see chapter 1 

AN: Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment. Also, I am sorry the update took so long, but the amazing last episode kind of made me loose my steam for some time, as it actually addressed some of Ryan's issues.

**Missing Pieces**

„What do you mean, he blames himself?" Kirsten was the first to break the quiet. She did not understand. What had Ryan done that made him responsible for his brother's actions?

"Did he do something that caused Trey's actions? I know he would never do that intentionally, but did he - Is there something you didn't tell us?"

"No, of course not" Seth interrupted her. "Ryan did not _do_ anything. I mean, he asked Marissa to spend time with Trey when we went to Miami, but she probably would have done that anyways. And it is not as if he somehow knew what was going to happen, but he still thinks it is his fault. For some reason, which I can not figure out, Ryan thinks that he is to blame for what is ex-con brother turned almost rapist turned almost murderer did. And he thinks he has to make it up to Marissa." He somehow managed to sound exasperated, helpless and worried all at the same time. She could relate to the confusion he seemed to feel. She definitely did not understand. Ryan had not done anything wrong; there was no reason for blame. She was going to point that out, but then she remembered.

_She looks at the boy, trying to figure out what to do, what to say. How do you treat a child whose mother just walked out on- for the second time in a few weeks? She hears the taxi-door close, the engine start and the sound of the car driving away, leaving the distraught teen behind. What now?_

"_I´m sorry ." She involuntarily flinches when he breaks the uncomfortable silence. Willing herself to look at the boy instead of her feet, she takes in his bent head, the arms he has wrapped around his torso as if to give himself the hug he definitely needs. "What are you sorry for?" Her bewilderment is obvious in her voice. "My mom, I mean her behaviour yesterday night. I am sorry she ruined your evening. I should have already said this yesterday, but I did not want to leave her alone." _

_He looks at her through his bangs as if trying to gauge her reaction. Honestly, she does not quite know how to react. His mother has just abandoned him and he is apologizing to her? "Ryan, I know that she did not mean to cause a scene. She has a problem, but" He interrupts her. "She should not have made it your problem to deal with. She can just leave, but you have to deal with the people in Newport everyday. So, I'm really sorry." She is no longer sure if they are talking about his mother's drunken antics of the previous night. Regardless, she feels like she needs to reassure the boy somehow. "Ryan, what your mother does or does not do is not your fault. You don't have to apologize." "She is my mom." he says, as if that answers everything. In a way, it does._

She shook of the memory and looked up at her son and husband. "He thinks it is his fault because Trey is his brother." The calm of her voice surprised her a little, considering she felt everything but. How come she did not realize this sooner? If there was one thing that was consistent about Ryan, it was the fact that he always took responsibility, often for stuff that was not his fault.

He took her angry glare, took the blame she put on him for Seth's shiner, even though he had been defending him and probably kept him from getting seriously hurt. He came back after the model home burned down and did not even protest when he was arrested, even though he had not started the fight that caused the fire. They called to tell him that Seth had taken of on his boat and he apologized for not being able to abandon his oldest friend and the baby that might or might not be his. She spend days being furious at her father and he told her he was sorry for inviting his friend Lindsay over for chrismukkah.

Ryan was the king of taking blame; it seemed only natural that he would take it for his brother as well. How could she not have seen this? She shuddered inwardly as she remembered yet another incident. She had come back from rehab and after the initial hugging, when Sandy and Seth had both gone to get some thing or another, he had come to her and asked her forgiveness for not having realized she was suffering, for not having seen that she needed help. She had been so relieved that he had still been willing to talk to her after her horrible words at the intervention, she had just hugged him again, said it was not his fault at all and then allowed herself to forget it. Shouldn't her time at Suriak have thought her not to repress her- and other people's- problems anymore?

Her son was right, they needed to talk. And Ryan's guilt was not the only thing they needed to discuss. She had been putting this off for to long.

* * *

Sandy studied his wife's face, trying to figure out what she was thinking, trying to understand what she meant. "Just because they are related, that does not mean Ryan is responsible for Trey's wrongdoings. He has to know that." He had to, because otherwise the kid had been suffering even more than Sandy had suspected, and he could not bear that thought.

Ryan's obvious inability to control his temper was more than enough to deal with, especially combined with the fact that his foster son apparently considered himself an orphan, in the metaphorical sense if not in the literal. At least, that is the impression Sandy had gotten when the boy had told them that he was "not an Atwood, but not a Cohen either". The fact that after two years, Ryan still did not feel like he was a part of the family had thrown him for a loop; he had honestly not known what to do.

He had been deluding himself that either Ryan would realise his mistake, realise that he belonged with them and not leave, or that he would come to that conclusion on the bat and come back to them after the first trip. But yesterday night, after they had returned to the house and Ryan had headed of to the pool house, he had turned to his son and asked why did not look happier, now that Ryan was staying. Seth had looked at him and quietly told him that the fact that Ryan stayed for Marissa was not really a reason for celebration in his mind. Then he had headed of to his room, leaving Sandy behind to try and figure out a way to fix this entire mess. If Seth and Kirsten were right, there were quite a lot of problems that he had not yet put into the equation.

"We know he is not responsible for what happened, and we think he has to know it, but the fact is that he doesn't" He was not used to his son speaking this calmly. He also wasn't used to him being so insightful and attentive to the state of mind of others and he wondered what had happened in the pool house before Seth had entered the kitchen. Seth should not have to look so worried, neither one of his children should have to deal with any of this.

"Then you are right, we need to do something. We can not let him go on believing that." He was actually a little relieved when this caused Seth to make a face he was quite familiar with, the one that said "I know that already, father, I do not need you to tell me.". Which was exactly what he said out loud. At least he could read one of his kids- most of the time.

"What I do not know is _what_ we should do. That is kind of why I started this whole conversation. So, do either of you have any idea? Because I am afraid the plan of simply telling him he is wrong to blame himself is not going to cut it."

"You are right, it probably won't. But it might be a good start. Talking to him, asking what he is thinking, telling him what we are thinking." His wife seemed determined to do this and for a moment he stopped worrying about Ryan to worry about Kirsten instead. Should she really have to deal with this? He had been scared yesterday and he is scared again now. No matter what kind of brave front she put up, she was still far from stable. Alcoholism was not something you just got over after a trip to rehab. But he recognized the determination in her face and decided that if she wanted to do this, he was not going to stop her. She needed her family just as much as they all needed her.

* * *

"Well, at least we all agree about that." Seth felt a lot less on edge now. They had not yet resolved anything, the problem was far from solved, but at least he knew he had the ´rents on his side. Together, they would come up with something. He would not loose Ryan again.

He might not have understood what was going through Ryan's head before this morning, actually he still didn't and probably never fully would, but after his best friend's outburst, he had definitely realized one thing. Ryan's attempt to leave had been about more than just his lack of chances at college. Therefore, solving that problem would not be enough to make sure Ryan stayed with them, not only for the school year, but afterwards as well. He really hoped that by uniting with the parents, he would be able to get to the problem of the other problems as well. Loosing Ryan was simply not an option.

"Great, now all we need to do is to come up with a game- plan" "Game- plan for what?" Ryan's question caused Seth to turn around to the door so fast, he almost lost his balance.

_As always, reviews make me extremely happy; criticisms is welcome (though I would rather not get any flames, please)_


	4. Breakfast at Cohen´s Pt 1

disclaimer: still don´t own anything

AN: I had some case off writers block with this chapter. I hope it still turned out ok. (I still need a beta ;-)

**Breakfast at Cohens - Pt. 1**

Ryan looked at his foster-family, taking in their startled expressions. They obviously had not been expecting him. If he had to guess, he would say that he had probably interrupted a conversation they were having about him. At least that was the impression he got from the fact that they had stopped talking as soon as they realized he had entered the kitchen. What the hell was going on?

"Seth, game plan for what?" he repeated. "uhm…" "We were just talking about maybe having a family- day" Kirsten interrupted her son. Did she really expect him to believe that? He might never be able get into college, but he was not stupid. (And yes, he realized he was supposed to believe in the future now, but it was kind of difficult to forget about everything his family had ever taught him simply because the Cohens told him to. Not that he had not tried.)

"A family-day? You just came up with that?" Judging from their uncomfortable expressions they realized the unlikeliness of him simply accepting Kirsten's explanation. "Yes. After all the drama over the last days, it would probably be good for all of us." Sandy had apparently decided to go along with his wife, but Ryan was not convinced. They had been acting to suspicious. Even without that obvious clue, he knew he was due for some long, deep conversations.

Just because last night, all they had said was that they were glad that he stayed, Ryan was not naïve enough to believe that he might get away that easily. Seth most likely was not the only one who was pissed at him- even though Kirsten would tell him not to say "pissed". Since making it worse by refusing to play along was probably a bad idea, he decided to just wait for them to decide when to tell him what they had really been talking about. If nothing else, he trusted in Seth's inability to keep anything a secret. "Ok, if you guys think so. What exactly is this family-day going to entail?"

* * *

"We have not decided on the program yet, but I thought we could start by all having breakfast together? Then later, maybe we could pick out some movies to watch, order take out for lunch…" "Sounds good" Seth interrupted his mother. 

It actually did sound good, but he was aware of the fact that they probably would not really get to the "movies and take-out" part of the plan. If he was judging his parents correctly, which considering years of experience at reading them he probably was, they would rather go for a "breakfast together with a side dish of long, meaningful conversation" approach. It might be a little hard for Ryan to stomach. But he approved of the unspoken plan.

The fact that he would voluntarily subject himself to his parent's attempts at "serious, yet friendly" conversation should really prove to Ryan how important he was to Seth. Unfortunately, the other boy was more likely to focus on the fact that Seth had been the one to initiate the talk to begin with. This whole "helping other people out" thing was really not as easy as Ryan usually made it look. Maybe that thought out to be filed away for later inspection. Right now, getting the actual talk started had top priority.

"We should definitely get the breakfast – part of the plan started, I am three minutes away from starving. Which really is not something you would want to happen, cause then…" "We would have more space for ourselves and might actually be able to enjoy some piece and quiet every now and then." Hadn't anyone ever told his mother not to interrupt others while they were babble… talking? Plus, she really should know who was the funny one. But they were all headed towards the dining table, so it did not really matter all that much.

Waiting for his turn with the cream cheese, he tried to watch his foster brother – inauspiciously, of course. If the tenseness of Ryan's mouth and the unnaturally straight way he was holding his shoulders was any indication, he had sensed that something was going to go down during dinner. Seth was not really surprised. No one got any good at non-verbal communication without the ability to read other people. And Ryan was a master at speaking without words. But knowing that something was going to happen had apparently not been enough to make the other boy balk. Seth decided to take this as a positive sign.

He remembered the way that, all summer, Ryan had used to find an excuse to leave the room whenever his dad had seemingly wanted to start talking about Trey. Not that he could blame Ryan, because who would want to talk about the sordid details of his older brother trying to rape his girlfriend and then to shoot you. Trey lying in the hospital in a coma had probably not really made anything easier. And if Ryan really felt somehow responsible for what his brother had done to Marissa, as both he and his mother had indicated today, it was no wonder he had avoided the conversation.

His father had allowed him to get away and had eventually given up any attempt to get Ryan to talk. Back then, Seth had thought it was probably better to avoid bringing up the painful subject and had been glad when Sandy had finally seemed to leave Ryan alone. Now he wondered if maybe the issue should have been forced back then. Ryan definitely should not have been blaming himself all this time. He really hoped they would be able to talk him out of that. Jesus and Moses knew it wouldn't be easy, considering the way Ryan used to guard himself and his feelings. But the fact that he had not yet tried to run? Definitely a good sign.

The four of them were sitting at the table, decimating the number of bagels and drinking coffee. If the silence that had descended over them had not felt so tense, the scene might have been misjudged as harmonic. As it was, Seth was feeling increasingly tense and if his father's shifting on his chair and the way his mother was unconsciously tracing the pattern of the table cloth were any indication, they did not fair much better. He wondered who would be willing to break the silence.

* * *

"All right, this is ridiculous. We wanted to have breakfast together; nobody said anything about practicing to become mimes. It would be futile anyway, Seth would not be able to survive for more than five minutes without sharing with the whole world whatever happens to come to his mind" her husband broke the apparent spell of silence. She chuckled in response and looked at the boys. Seth seemed to be fighting a grin, despite his loud protest that he could be quiet if he wanted to and only talked as much as he did because it was his duty to share his thoughts and ingenious ideas. 

Ryan had not even looked up from his plate. The grip he had on the knife with the cream cheese looked like he might actually bend it out of shape. Being that tense had to be almost painful. Before she could say anything to somehow make him relax, he lifted his head and looked first at her, then at Sandy.

"We might be able to get over the awkward silence if you just told me what you want to say" A 17 year old really should not sound this resigned and exhausted. He also should not be looking at his family as if they were leading him to a sacrificial alter. This was going to be everything but easy. But it _was_ necessary.

"Why do you think we have something to say to you? Is there…" "Because he knows that we can not just forget about his plan to leave" her husband interrupted her, his voice emitting a calmness that she knew for a fact he did not really feel. Which was why she did not scold him for interrupting her. Talking to Ryan was not easy at the best of times. Sandy had to be just as unsettled by the thought of broaching a possibly dangerous topic. After all, they wanted to help Ryan understand them and gain some understanding themselves, not drive him further away. Considering that, Sandy's choice of words might not have been the wisest. On the other hand, if they weighed every word they said, they probably wouldn't ever get anywhere.

"I know" Ryan lowered his head again, seemingly shrinking before her eyes. The sudden urge to reassure him became overwhelming. "Ryan, this is not supposed to be a punishment. We merely want to talk to you, figure out exactly how things ended up the way they did, figure out a way to make sure it never gets that bad again. I might not understand why you wanted to leave us, but what I know for a fact is that you must have had your reasons. Just as you must have had your reasons to stay in the end. I would really like to understand, because I am afraid that what you said before is not enough. But none of us want to make you feel uncomfortable. I-we simply think that it would be better for everyone if we got those things out in the open so that we can deal with them together" Weren't her husband and son usually the ones to talk without taking a break to breath? Regardless, that had really needed to be said. If they wanted Ryan to talk to them, they had to convince him that they were willing to listen.

She could see Sandy nodding emphatically out of the corner of her eye. Seth was smiling slightly, but a look of caution could still be detected. "As much as it pains me to say this- and you two better not expect it to happen again- I agree with everything the Kirsten just said. We do need to talk." If the deep breath Ryan took meant anything, he was gathering strength as if preparing himself for a battle. "How do you want to start?"

* * *

Ryan desperately wished he could make up some excuse and leave the table, but he knew it would be futile and decided to save himself the trouble. Sandy might have been willing to cut him slack over the summer, but he very much doubted that Kirsten would be willing to let it go. She _was_ Caleb Nichols´ daughter. Better not waste energy trying to delay the inevitable. He would probably need all his strength for what was to come. 

It wasn't as if he had not expected a talk. What shook him a little was the fact that they were apparently all going to discuss this together. Usually, Kirsten left this kind of thing to Sandy. His guardian had left home as a teenager himself, he had been able to convince him once; he would have been able to explain himself again. This was different. Kirsten and Seth had never approved of his plan to leave on the boat. Making all three of them understand at the same time would be a lot harder. Add to that the fact that he had already told Seth his reason for staying and Seth's less than comprehending reaction, he was fairly certain they would not reach the "movies and take-out" part of the schedule. (If that plan had even existed before he had asked what was going on.) But since he could not avoid the situation, he wanted to get it over with. Kirsten had said that they all wanted to talk and listen, to understand. _How_ to start was up to them.

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	5. Breakfast at Cohen´s Pt 2

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. Quote is obviously from "The Dearly Beloved". I don't own that episode, either. 

AN: I'm trying to keep going while I am still somewhat inspired. The fact that the idea of studying for my finals during winter break is not very attractive to me might also have something to do with it. Hope this works.

**Breakfast at Cohen's - Pt.2**

"I think I should start" Sandy was not used to his son sounding this hesitant. Ever since Seth learned how to talk, he had emitted an almost constant stream of talking- when he was with him or his wife.

Sandy was not stupid, he had seen the way his child turned from a vibrant little boy who was talking with his mouth, face, arms and his whole body, into a boy who seemed afraid to draw any attention to himself when he was surrounded by his peers after they had moved to Newport. But all attempts to talk to him, to figure out a way to help him, had always only lead to a lecture about the fact that those children were snobs and therefore not worth talking to.

When he got older, Seth had become both more withdrawn and less seeking for the other teens´ attention, his comments had become more sarcastic, but when he talked he still gave the impression of someone who had more energy than he needed.

It seemed like only Ryan had been able to teach him the importance of sometimes being silent- not that Seth often deemed a situation in need of a quiet moment.

But although Seth had changed, although he had been living outside the house much more, he was still Seth. And Seth only sounded like this when he felt really unsure about something really important.

"Since this whole talking- thing is about being honest and opening up, it would probably be best if I started by telling you-openly- that I told mom and dad what you said to me in the pool house. And before you get mad at me for breaking your trust or something like that, let me just say that the only reason why I did it is because I do not agree with you. I do not think that what happened with Trey and Marissa is your fault and you should not feel guilty about it. And although it may surprise you, I am not omnipotent, which means that I need the parental unit to help me convince you of that. Now you can yell."

During his son's nervous ramble, he had looked at Ryan, trying to gauge his reaction to Seth's confession. Interestingly, he did not seem the least bit surprised or angry about the fact that Seth had let his parents in on a private conversation.

Or if he was, he had an even better control of his facial expression than Sandy had always believed he did. But that theory was at once forgotten when Ryan did show a reaction. The way he flinched when Seth mentioned Trey and the clenching of his fingers into a fist were rather tell tale signs that Seth had hit a nerve.

Unfortunately, it did not seem as if Ryan really heard and understood the part about the attack not being his fault. It would have probably been asking too much to expect Ryan to simply hear what they had to tell him and then accept it at face value. Still, it had been nice of Seth to try.

Sandy knew how much courage it must have taken to openly admit his breach of trust to Ryan. If they wanted him to be open with them, they needed to show that they were willing to be open with him as well.

The fact that his son was willing to risk his friendship (not that he really thought Ryan would no longer trust Seth after this, but it was an issue) to help his best friend showed a level of concern for the other boy that made him incredibly proud of his son.

* * *

"I'm not going to yell," Ryan stated calmly "I think- if you felt like you had to talk to your parents, I am not going to get mad about it. But I- talking about Trey really isn't something I want to do." He really didn't. They should know that, after he spent the summer successfully dodging all attempts at serious conversation about his older brother.

It had been a mistake to try and make Seth understand. He couldn't, he had never had an older brother like Trey, had never had a family like the Atwoods. Seth had never had to take responsibility for others because they were responsible themselves.

Now, the Cohens wanted to talk. He hadn't lied, he wasn't mad at Seth. He was mad at himself. He should have known better than to mention Trey. The Cohens were great, but they had never really understood his family. They would never understand why he was responsible. The fact that they did not understand didn't change the fact that it was true.

Ryan remembered the lecture his dad had given when they had visited him in prison, after the judge had sentenced him with what had seemed to the young boy to be imprisonment forever. His mom had taken them to the prison and told them that they would have to say goodbye, since they could not stay in Fresno where all the neighbours knew what Dad had done and would therefore have to move to a place called Chino. Dad would have to stay in prison, because he had screwed up. He still remembered the way his father's eyes had seemed to look right into his head when he had given him his last lecture.

"Ryan, I need you to really listen to me now, ok? This is important. I am not going to be able to be there for you and Trey and Dawn any more. That means that you're gonna have to do that, ok.

You and me both know that you brother can't stay out of trouble if his life depends on it. Promise me you are going to make sure he won't do anything too stupid, ok. And you mom- I am sure you know that she is not the smartest one there is. But she is still your mom. She deserves your respect.

She and I, we made you. That means that no matter what, you will always belong to us. You can't really help me in here, but I expect you to be a good son and do everything you can to help your mom. After everything we did for you, that's the least thing we can expect.

I know you think you can't do it, but this isn't about how old you are. You and me both know that you are the smart one. That means you are responsible for those who are not so smart. I know you are going to do the right thing.

Even if I am not there, you have to remember that family is what it's all about. I am stuck here because I wanted to take care of you, now you owe it to me to keep the family together. I know you are going to make me proud.

Looking back, he understood that his father had been wrong to put that kind of responsibility on an eight year old. It had probably been nice of him to not openly blame Dawn for taking them away and not allowing them to visit him again. He had probably really thought that he had to make sure his son would take care of them, now that he had no longer been able to do it himself.

Ryan understood that putting that kind of burden on an eight year old had not been right, but that did not change what he had learned. Family always came first. And being family meant taking care of and responsibility for each other. It was one of the few things his father had told him that he could actually agree with.

Trey was family, and that made him Ryan's responsibility. But the Cohens would not agree, they would not understand. They thought that by taking him in, they had absolved him from all obligations towards his family.

He had tried to cut his losses, tried to stay away from Trey and the trouble he would inadvertedly cause. But than Sandy had looked at him like that, and suddenly he was back to being an eight year old, receiving the most important lecture of his young live. Family was what mattered the most. And Trey was family.

The worst thing was that he had known back than that something would go wrong. Trey had still been Trey, and something always went wrong sooner or later when his brother was involved. He had asked him to come to Newport anyway.

Because that little boy, the one who had listened to every word his father had said, that boy remembered that after they had come back from their visit, his brother had taken him outside, had gone to the playground with him until it was almost too dark to see anything, so that he would not have to watch his mum emptying a bottle of vodka, staring out of the window as if the solution to all their problems was right behind the horizon.

The little boy had remembered what it was like to have a big brother, and he had wanted to have him back.

But there was no way he could explain any of this to the Cohens. How was he supposed to justify the fact that, no matter how much he hated Trey for what he had done, the little boy still waited for his big brother to show up and tell him to stop brooding and come out to play soccer with him.

"Ryan" Kirsten interrupted his train of thought "I know that Trey is a sore subject, but if we want to deal with this, if we want to get over what happened, we are going to have to talk about him anyway, because apparently he is a part of the problem"

He latched on to what he perceived was probably his only chance to get out of this conversation. "I thought the problem was that I wanted to leave. He does not have anything to do with that"

"Doesn't he?" Sandy inquired calmly "Ryan, if you really think that you are for some reason to blame for what your…what Trey did, then that is an enormous amount of guilt to be carrying around. And even if you didn't believe that, what Trey did hurt you a lot, and you have not really dealt with that yet.

I admit that I am partially at fault for that, because I should have made you talk about it sooner, but we cannot procrastinate forever. I'm afraid putting this of for so long has already made things worse. He was -is- your brother, and you practically lost him. That is not something you get over easily."

* * *

"You haven't talked to you brother and sister for years, and you don't seem to mind"

Kirsten looked at her foster-son in shock. Where had that come from? She saw her husband flinch, seemingly at a loss for words.

Her son did not have the same problem. "What the hell, man? Dad didn't do anything wrong, why the hell would you say that? This isn't about him, this is about you."

She wanted to chime in, tell Ryan that no matter how much he was hurting, it did not give him the right to hurt others. But before she could voice this, her own thoughts caught up with her. Ryan was hurting. And she remembered.

She is standing in the kitchen, avoiding her husband's eyes, trying to convince herself that this was not happening.

_Her husband has not really staged an intervention for. Her husband and a strange doctor have not just told her that they consider her an alcoholic. Her sister has not accused her of becoming her mother. None of this is happening. _

_Yet she cannot avoid seeing Ryan step forward, readying himself to speak. Getting ready to tell her that she is no different from the woman she has taken him away from._

"_Oh don't you say a word. I let you into this house."_

Lashing out had been a knee-jerk reaction. Hurt the other one before they can hurt you. But Ryan hadn't backed down, hadn't allowed her to push him away. He had cared about her too much. Now it was her turn to show him that they wouldn't allow him to push them away, either.

"That is not going to work, Ryan. You cannot make us angry with you to stop this conversation. There is nothing you can do to keep us from talking with you about it. Because you are hurting. And as your family, it is our job to help you deal with that hurt.

You need to talk about it, even if you don't want to. You cannot go on this way, feeling this guilty for something that you had no control over. We are not going to let you go on that way."

When he refused to look at her, she turned to her husband. Fortunately, he seemed to understand what had motivated Ryan's attack. He was visibly fighting for self-control. Knowing what a sore subject his brother and sister still were, a part of her wanted to scoot over to, comfort him.

But right now, Ryan was more important. He had lashed out at Sandy to protect himself. To make Ryan hurt someone he cared about, even if it had been an unconscious reflex, he had to be really afraid of the conversation Sandy had tried to start. If thinking about everything that had happened with Trey scared him this much, he really needed to confront this. Otherwise, the emotions would continue to simmer inside him.

She knew first hand what repressed anger and pain could lead to. She never wanted Ryan to feel like that.

* * *

Sandy looked back at his wife and managed to produce a small smile. Thank God she had been able to understand what Ryan was trying to do. He had been so caught of guard that he would have fallen directly into the trap.

His family was a sore subject. Ryan had definitely known how to hurt him. But the fact remained that it had been an attempt to defend himself. Apparently, even Seth understood, as had not commented any further on what Ryan had said. Kirsten was right, Ryan needed them to help him deal with what happened.

Again, he felt ashamed by the realization that he had allowed the boy to avoid the issue for so long. He would not make the same mistake again. Right now, that meant that he had to keep the conversation going.

Ryan looked like he was preparing to run. He was so tense, it had to be painful. He refused to look any of them in the eyes, concentrating on the uneaten bagel on the plate in front of them. Had they really been eating less than an hour ago?

"Kirsten is right. Ignoring this is no longer an option. Ryan, when you told us you wanted to leave, you said that while you no longer considered yourself an Atwood, you did not feel like you were a Cohen either. There are two things I have to say to that.

One, you are a Cohen in everything but name. You have been a part of our family for more than two years, and no matter what happens in the future, you always will be a part of this family. That is not even up for debate.

The other thing you need to know is that even though you are a member of this family, it is normal that sometimes you don't feel that way. I remember times when I did not feel like a member of my own family, and I am sure both Seth and Kirsten have been there as well.

I think the difference is that we know that, if nothing else, we always have our genes to bind us to our parents and yes, our siblings as well.

You don't have that, and I am sorry that sometimes I forget about that fact. You are a part of my family, one of the most important parts. I don't want you to ever have to question that. If over the past month I've been bad at showing it, I apologize for that. We need to find ways to make sure that you know you are a part of us.

And since being a part of our family, among other things, means that we help each other deal with difficult situations, right now that is what we are going to do. Over the last two years, you have been there for us more often than we can count. All I'm asking is that now, you allow us to be there for us."

* * *

Seth stared at his father. He knew that the old man loved to talk, but he did not know if he had ever heard him say that much in a row, especially that much serious and emotional stuff.

The fact that usually, he would interrupt him with some sarcastic -and of course hilarious- comment probably had something to do with that.

But this time, he had not felt like joking. When Ryan had mentioned his aunt and uncle, he had been about to give him a verbal strip down worthy off the Nana. They all knew not to mention those two around his father, especially not like that. It was an unwritten rule that Ryan had learnt, somehow without anyone having to tell him about it. Maybe he was so familiar with the need to not talk about certain things that he was able to recognize it in others.

When he had broken the rule, had compared Sandy's fallout with his siblings to what had happened between Ryan and that scum- bag Trey, Seth had been stunned at the apparent coldness in his voice.

But he had been even more stupefied at his mother's –certainly correct- analyses that Ryan was trying to push them away to put an end to the conversation.

His fathers insistence that they were going to help Ryan, even if he did not want their help, his insistence that it was their time to be there for Ryan had sparked in him a feeling that had been absent for some time.

He was suddenly sure that, no matter how bad things seemed at the moment, they would eventually be able to deal with it and move on. He suddenly trusted his parents to take care of him, of them, again. After year of living basically separate lives, of trying to ignore the obvious troubles in his parents marriage and trying to deny that his mother had become an alcoholic, the comfort that this sense of security offered was enough to make him forget about the situation at hand for a second.

The sound of Ryan pushing back his chair brought him bag to the present. His best friend and foster brother was visibly trembling with repressed emotions. He did not look either one of them in the eyes.

"Look you guys, I appreciate the effort, I do. But this is not some problem that we can solve by talking it over. This is my family, and no matter what you think, my family is not something you can understand. You just can't. And honestly, I don't want you too."

While talking, he had continuously backed away from them, reminding Seth of the way one backed off from a potentially dangerous dog that one did not want to turn his back on. With his last words, he had reached the patio doors.

Then he abruptly turned, opened the door and was outside and on his way to the pool house before they could say anything. Watching Ryan close the pool house door behind himself, he coughed. "Well, that could probably have gone better."


	6. Isolation

disclaimer: Still not Josh in disguise

AN: This is for Katwoman76, who is awesome! Sorry for not posting this sooner, I had kind of hit a wall. Also, because I wanted to post as fast as possible, this is not beta-ed.

**Dealing – chapter 6**

**Isolation**

Ryan was pacing up and down in the pool house. Unnecessary movement was usually more Seth's forte, but right now he needed to move; it was the only thing that helped to fight the overwhelming urge to take of. Fight or flight, and this wasn't something he could fight.

Unfortunately, the Cohens would never just let him go, not now, so running wasn't an option either. He had no idea how he was supposed to deal with this crap. The pain in his hands alerted him to the fact that he had been clenching his fists so hard, the blunt nails had broken the skin. Making a conscious effort to relax, he took several deep breaths, spreading his fingers and concentrating once more on the sound of the waves outside. It didn't really help very much.

"_Over the last two years, you have been there for us more often than we can count."_

After that, he hadn't been able to stay inside with them. Their lack of understanding concerning his family was something he had long ago gotten used to, but he couldn't bear to listen to Sandy talking like that. Lying certainly wasn't going to make anything better. That's what it was, a lie. No matter how much he would like to think otherwise, he hadn't been there for them. He had only made everything worse. And just like that, all the doubts he had been trying to fight the last night had come back with a vengeance. His being here wasn't good for the Cohens. His problems with school might be solved, he might have a shot at college again, but that didn't change the fact that the Cohens would be better of without him. He stayed for Marissa, but he should have left for them.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They were still looking at the pool house, watching Ryan pace behind the closed glass doors. They might have been see-through, but they still created a physical barrier between them. Considering how many emotional walls they would have to get through if they wanted to actually reach Ryan, Kirsten didn't think they needed another obstacle in their way. She pushed back her chair, ignoring the screeching sound it made when sliding over the floor, and got up.

"Honey?", her husband was looking at her questioningly, "Do you really think going after him right now is the best choice? He is very upset, maybe we ought to give him some time to settle down before broaching this subject again."

"Sandy, don't you realize that that's all we've been doing? When he told us he wanted to leave on that stupid boat, that's the approach we took, and it didn't work. Letting him deal with things without interfering means letting him get to his own conclusions. Well, we just heard what those conclusions are. I don't know about you, but I don't want him to come up with any other things to put himself down while he is brooding in there."

Her husband's eyes signalled understanding and agreement, a fact that she was grateful for. They needed to deal with Ryan; there was no time for fighting. "I'm going to go and get him back here."

She had almost reached the door to the patio when she felt her son's hand on her arm, gentle but firm enough to stop her." Mom, wait. I don't think bringing him back here is such a hot idea."

She turned around to be able to look at his eyes. Despite the fact that Seth seemed to let everything that he thought leave his mouth unfiltered, she knew for a fact that this wasn't true. His facial expressions were sometimes crucial to understanding what he thought or wanted. Right now, he looked worried. Worried about Ryan.

"I get what you're saying about not leaving him alone, but really, bringing him back here doesn't seem like the best option. Maybe we need a plan C. I mean, in case you haven't realized it yet, Ryan ran out of here as if Mrs. Cooper had threatened to hug him, and maybe there's a reason for that. We kind of teamed up against him, so since that didn't work, it might be better to try a one-on-one approach."

Her son had a point. If Ryan felt like he was backed into a corner, attacked from all sides, he would probably lash out again. She had.

"You're right. Who should go to him first?" Again she turned to her husband. Sandy seemed to be fighting some kind of inner battle, and for a second the fact that their connection had suffered so much that she did not instinctively know what it was unsettled her, but then she forced her thoughts to refocus on the matter at hand. "Sandy? What do you think?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sandy turned to his wife, trying to shake of the thoughts that he had been lost in. He was torn between wanting to help Ryan himself, wanting to make the boy understand that there was nothing he couldn't tell him and no bad reaction to be afraid of, and asking himself if he would really be the best choice.

Two years, even one year ago, he would not have hesitated to say yes. He had been the one to bring Ryan here, he had recognized his potential and the fact that he was just a good kid in a bad situation. He had seen a piece of himself in the boy. And Ryan had repaid him for his trust in him by returning that trust, by looking up to him as a figure of authority. Sandy had always felt as if they understood each other in a way that no one else could, they had a common ground that was based in their past a stable enough to be the foundation of a real kinship.

But this summer, things had changed. He might be able to imagine what Ryan had been through, but he didn't know, didn't really understand. And due to that lack of understanding, he hadn't known what to do, how to help the kid. Not doing anything had been a horrible mistake, he saw that now, but he couldn't change the past. The question was if he was capable of doing better now.

He looked at his wife. "I think you should go. It seems as if right now, you can read him much better than I can. If you hadn't called him on trying to provoke me, I would have fallen for it."

She shook her head. "Sandy, I may have understood him better right then, but he needs to talk about Trey. I wasn't even here this summer, I don't think I am qualified for that. You were with him all summer, you discussed it and even if his guilt for his brother's deeds didn't come up, you certainly have a much better insight into what he felt- feels about everything that happened."

He bowed his head to the ground, not wanting to see her face when she heard what he had to admit. "We didn't talk about it."

"What? What do you mean you didn't talk about it, it must have been the only important topic all summer." She sounded befuddled. He couldn't blame her, though he still tried to explain.

"Directly after it happened, he was in shock. We had to deal with the police, he was worried about Marissa, I had to give Julie and Jimmy legal advice, Trey was in the hospital- there was too much going on, none of us would have been capable of having a serious discussion."

He looked up at her, trying to gauge her reaction. When she opened her mouth, he hurried on.

"After that, I tried, I addressed it a couple of times, but he didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to force him to. Everything was already bad enough, I had to give him time to come to terms with what happened."

"And you didn't think that maybe he _needed_ to talk about it, even if he didn't _want_ to?" Her sharp voice was like a slap, he had to keep himself from visibly recoiling. He had no defence, they both knew it was true. She wasn't done yet.

"God Sandy, no wonder he's got it all messed up in his head. If no one told him it wasn't his fault, then of course he would believe that. He is Ryan, he takes responsibility for everything. How could you let that happen, how could you let it go that far? After everything we've been through last year, haven't you learned that ignoring problems doesn't solve them?"

"You're going to bring up last year? Damn Kirsten, you're in no position to throw stones, after…"

"Hey!" Their son's yell caused both of them to swivel around. The interruption gave him a second to think. Did he really just say that to Kirsten?

"Can you guys please stop tearing each others throats out? I get that you have issues that you need to deal with, I get that you apparently have a lot to talk about, but not now, ok? Right now, we need to help Ryan, ´cause that is what we are here for. The last thing he needs is for you two to start fighting, and just for the record, I really don't need to hear it, either. Can't you settle this, at least for now, and focus on the issue at hand? Go on yelling at each other later, if you have to."

His son's voice had slowly lowered in volume while he spoke, at the end reaching that unsettling, not at all Seth-like calm tone again. Now he was looking at both of them expectantly, as if daring them to object. He was ashamed for loosing his temper like that, in front of his son. He had always hated it when his parents had fought. The promise he had made to himself to never put Seth through that had been momentarily forgotten.

"You are right," his wife said "this isn't about us, or about dredging up each others mistakes. I will go talk to Ryan."

Her voice seemed calm, but there was a slight quiver that he had learned to detect years ago. Damn, the last thing he had wanted to do was hurt her. But apparently Ryan's technique of lashing out when feeling threatened, or in his case, attacked (no matter how justified), was something he practised himself.

"Kirsten", he called out to her when she was already halfway out the door, "I'm sorry."

For a moment, there was no visible reaction, but then he saw a slight softening of her eyes. They would really need to talk about this later, but at least now she knew he regretted his harsh words. He forced himself to relax as he reached for Ryan's plate. "Maybe you should bring him this, he didn't touch his bagel at all. Can't let a good bagel go to waste, right?"

The forced levity in his voice sounded strange to his own ears, especially when it was not followed by a sarcastic remark of his son. The boy had taken some steps backwards, visibly distancing himself from both of his parents, yet not turning his back on them, instead watching them closely.

"He needs to eat." Kirsten nodded, stepping back into the room and coming to take the plate out of his hand. He wasn't sure if the fact that she didn't brush his hand in the process was intentional on her part. It didn't matter right now, he forcibly reminded himself as she left the room. Right now, the only thing that mattered was Ryan.

The sound of the door closing behind Kirsten seemed unnaturally loud.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ryan's pacing came to an abrupt halt when Kirsten opened the pool house door. He knew he should have invested in getting some locks, he thought, but then reminded himself that his inability to lock himself in was the least of his problems right now. He raised an eyebrow questioningly when he saw the plate in her hand.

"You need to eat." she responded to his unspoken question. He debated leaving it at that, but decided that procrastination wouldn't really do him any good. Reaching for the food, he made a conscious effort to look her in the eyes; despite his instinctual need to hide his own behind hair that was no longer long enough to do so. "That's not why you're here though, right?"

A ghost of a smile flickered over her face. "No use trying to con you, huh? You're right, I'm here for something else, something I just know you are going to love." Everyone in this family loved sarcasm.

"More talking?" He didn't really need to ask, they both knew the answer. When she simply nodded, he managed not to sigh in exasperation. He sat down on his bed so he could look at her sitting in the chair on the opposite side of the room. There really was no use trying to escape the inevitable. "Shoot."

The attempt at humour fell flat. She just looked at him, as if trying to predict his most likely reaction to whatever she was going to say next.

"You said we don't understand your family, that we never could. And maybe you're right. But I want to, no I _need_ to understand what you think about everything that happened this summer. There is no way around it." When she said the last part, she actually sounded apologetic.

"Didn't Sandy already tell you everything that happened? What's the point in repeating it all?" He had been prepared for a talk, but he hadn't thought it would mean reliving all those horrible events.

"The point is, Ryan, that Sandy told me his version of what happened. But if I want to understand what you're going through, what you're feeling and thinking about everything, then I have to know how you experienced it. After all, you were actually there. Sandy wasn't."

She still sounded like someone trying to calm down a scared animal, or maybe a panicking child. It actually worked, if only a little. Maybe if he did what she asked, they would all leave him alone afterwards. He wouldn't get his hopes up, but it was a distinct possibility. The problem was that he had no idea where to start.

Tbc…

_Comment, you know you want to._


	7. Focus

disclaimer: I still don't own squat

**Dealing, Chapter 7**

**Focus**

Kirsten looked at the boy, trying to gauge his reaction. He wasn't always easy to read, but she decided to take the fact that he had not yet tried to bolt again as a good sign. She had to get through to him, had to get him to open up to her. Yesterday, she had come far to close to loosing him; she would not risk that again. It was bad enough that their relationship with him had suffered so much that neither one of them had realized how lost he apparently was. She would not let that go any further.

Ryan looked up at her, visibly forcing himself to face her, and she had to keep herself from gasping out loud. A boy his age shouldn't look so pained. This boy should never look so pained. "I don't really know how to start." He sounded so lost, she had to keep herself from sitting down next to him and take him in her arms. While her instincts were screaming at her to do just that, she knew it would make him tense up instead of helping him to relax. God knew he was already stretched thin enough.

"Would it be easier if I asked you questions?" She was familiar with the sensation of not being able to explain herself. It had been dominating her first weeks at Suriak, and she still felt that way whenever she tried to come up with a way of explaining herself to the boys. That was a problem that she still needed to deal with, but not right now. Now, she needed to help Ryan. She relaxed a little when he nodded wordlessly, appreciating his willingness to accept her help at least for the moment.

How should she start? If the first thing she asked about was the shooting, he might close up again, or concentrate on giving her the mere facts. That was not what they needed. If she wanted to understand what was going on with him, why he felt responsible, she needed to get to the bottom of this. The fact that most problems had roots that might not be apparent on the first view was something else she had had to work hard to understand and accept.

"Did you and Trey fight a lot when you were kids? I know me and Hailey did." She had seen him tense up at the question and decided to throw in the bit about Hailey to show him that she was not judging. Siblings fought, it was normal.

Ryan took a shuddering breath. "Yes and no, I guess. I mean, sure, there were fights, but nothing unusual. I accidentally broke one of his cassettes, he hid one of my action figures, stuff like that. For the most part, we got along ok."

"What changed?" Something must have. One did not go from an absolutely normal siblings-relationship to disliking each other so much that one didn't even want to visit the other in prison.

"Dad got arrested. After that…Well, we moved to Chino and things were different. Trey was different." the boy was staring at his hands as if seeing them for the first time. This was obviously difficult for him. But if they wanted to get anywhere, they would need to continue this.

"Different how?" "Angry, he was always angry. At mom, at dad, at Chino. He needed someone to blame, I guess. He argued with mom a lot, especially when she started bringing her boyfriends to the house." The tenseness in his shoulders had increased again. His mother was a sore subject, at least as much as Trey, and while talking about her might be a good idea as well, right now they needed to talk about Trey.

" Was he mad at you, too?" "Not unless I screwed up somehow." There was a small grin now, lighting up his features in a way that made her realize she needed to make him smile more often. "He was pretty cool, took me along when he went somewhere with his friends, told everyone to stay away from me if they didn't want to get in trouble with them. He, he was a good big brother."

"I'm sure he was." she agreed. While it seemed impossible to reconcile Ryan's description with the angry young man she had gotten to know, with what she knew had happened last summer, she did believe Ryan. The boy would not make something like that up. She was glad that the two had had some good times together, even though it probably made the loss of his brother even more painful. She refused to ask him if the people Trey had warned to stay away from Ryan had included Dawn's boyfriends.

* * *

Ryan breathed in shakily, trying to gain the courage to the question he knew would come next. How had they grown apart? To be honest, he didn't know. He remembered Trey staying out longer and longer, coming home drunk or not at all. He remembered not liking the feeling of being left behind. But he also remembered the barely hidden envy in his brothers eyes when he had heard him and Theresa excitedly discussing the school play, remembered clearly visible contempt when Eva had welcomed him by hugging him and then scurrying into the kitchen to get him some cookies, while barely acknowledging Trey's presence. He remembered how their mother had called him the good one whenever she had been sober enough to realize that he had cleaned up or made dinner. He remembered the growing distance, but he wasn't sure how it started. He used to think that Trey had given up on him, but after Trey's angry accusations before their fight, he had looked back and realized how it might have looked to Trey. The fact that his older brother had caused Eva's dislike himself and that he had never bothered to do anything remotely like a household chore probably didn't change the fact that to Trey, it had looked as if everyone preferred Ryan. That revelation had cost him several nights of sleep.

Kirsten had apparently realized that he needed to get himself together, as she had not interrupted his train of thought with her next question. She didn't say anything until he lifted his head and looked at her. "Is that why you wanted him to stay with us? Because you remembered what a good brother he used to be and you wanted that back? I would absolutely understand that." He tried not to show his surprise at the fact that she had not asked what had changed their relationship. Unfortunately, this question wasn't any easier. How was he supposed to tell her that he hadn't really wanted Trey here at all? She would be so disappointed in him. He lowered his eyes to the ground once more, not knowing what to say.

"Ryan? Did you want Trey here?" How did she do that? How did she know about his reluctance when he hadn't even said anything? Lessons in mind reading were not part of rehab, were they? He refused to look at her.

When he heard the sound of her standing up, the clacking of her heels announcing the fact that she was moving around, he was sure that this was it. She had realized that he hadn't even wanted to offer his older brother, who was fresh out of prison, a place to stay, and had decided that he wasn't worth talking to after all. Loyalty to family was one of the most important things for Kirsten Cohen, he had learned that very early on.

Mentally preparing himself to hear the door closing behind her, he was startled when instead, she suddenly sat down next to him on the bed, laying an arm on his shoulder, pulling towards her. "I'm sorry, honey. We shouldn't have just assumed that you would want him here without really discussing it with you first."

* * *

Kirsten was fighting hard not to let her anger enter her voice. What on earth had Sandy done? When he had brought Trey to Newport, he had told her that Ryan had asked him to come and that he thought it would be good for these two to spend time with each other. He had been enthusiastic about the opportunity to give Ryan back a little part of his family. To be honest, she had been far to preoccupied with her own issues back then to question his line of thought, but looking back she asked herself how she could have simply accepted that, knowing that the two brothers had not talked to each other since Thanksgiving the year before. Given how obvious Ryan's body language had been when she had asked him for his reason of wanting Trey in Newport, she could not believe that Sandy had not realized the same. But the realization that she had not thought about the possibility back then either calmed her anger a little. They had both screwed up, now it was time to fix what their carelessness had destroyed.

She tightened the one-armed embrace. "Ryan, can you look at me, please?" She waited until he met her eyes. "We were the ones who brought Trey here. If you think you are responsible for what he did because of the simple fact that he was here, remind yourself that he was our guest, not yours." "You wouldn't have invited him here if it hadn't been for me though. If I hadn't been here, none of it would have happened." He had once more turned his head away from her, and through the shirt she could feel the tenseness of his shoulders.

"That doesn't make it your fault. Blaming you would be like blaming the person who got robbed because he was walking down the pier. You are a victim in this, Ryan. You didn't do anything to cause Treys behaviour. You didn't make him take drugs, you didn't tell him to attack Marissa." "But if I hadn't gone there, we never would have had that fight. Marissa wouldn't have had to shoot him to save me."

"Yes. But that doesn't make you responsible for Trey trying to kill you. That was his decision. Don't get me wrong, I wish you wouldn't have gone over there, mainly because I never wanted you to have to go through something so horrible, but that still doesn't make it your fault. You can't drive yourself crazy with what ifs, Ryan. Believe me, after my dad died, I did it, and it didn't help me at all." If you want him to be open with you, you have to be open with him, she reminded herself. Ryan deserved her honesty.

"Maybe I'm not responsible for Trey's decisions, but I'm responsible for mine." He stood up abruptly, setting her off-balance by drawing out of her embrace. "I'm the one who went there and Kirsten, I wanted to fight him. I, I wanted to kill him"

He was shaking, but he forced himself to look at her. The self-loathing that was apparent in his eyes made her cringe far more than his words. "Why? Why did you want to kill him?"

"What does it matter? Kirsten, did you not listen? I went there that night because I wanted to kill my own brother."

* * *

Ryan forced himself to keep eye contact with his foster-mother, wanting her to understand. There was nothing to explain away the truce. He had been the one who initiated the fight. Why couldn't she see that? Why didn't she understand that there was nothing that could change the facts?

"I don't believe you. I know you, Ryan, and you would never have killed Trey. You might have felt like it, but you never would have actually done it." Her voice was calm, and if she hadn't been making no sense at all, he would have called it reasonable. She still didn't get it.

"He gave me the opportunity to leave. I didn't, I came back in and attacked him." Now she had to get it.

"How did he give you that opportunity? Did he just calmly ask you to go? Because I don't believe that."

"Why not? Why is it so hard to believe that I would attack him? I am pathologically violent, remember?" It seemed as if she didn't want to understand, and he could feel himself loosing his patience. Why did she insist on needing his version of the event when she didn't believe him?

"You are not. Just because the Dean said that, doesn't mean it's true. And why I don't believe you? I know you, I know that you have a temper and need to work on that, but I also know that you would never have killed Trey. Also, I read the police report. Trey's fingerprints were on the gun as well. He didn't have it during the fight, as far as you told us, so he must have held it before, at least that's what the investigators wrote. He threatened you, didn't he?"

_He was frozen in shock, staring unbelievingly at the gun in his brother's hand. Where had he gotten a gun? How could he be pointing a gun at him, at his own brother? He was frozen._

He didn't say anything, simply nodded. He didn't think he would be capable of finding the right words to describe that moment, even if he had wanted to. He didn't.

"Ryan, your brother threatened you with a gun. After taking advantage of your family, after trying to ra..to hurt your girlfriend and betraying you in the worst way possible, he threatened you with a gun. It was absolutely natural for you to see red. I wouldn't understand it if you hadn't. He was the one who drove you to do that, he was the one who caused all this. Not you, Ryan. You are not responsible."

She had once more crossed the room and come over to him. He didn't look her in the eyes, but when she placed a hand under his chin to raise it, he didn't resist. He was surprised by the fact that she had tears in her eyes. Why would she be crying? "I'm sorry Ryan. I am so sorry you had to go through all that, and that I wasn't here to help you. But I am now, ok? I am here, and I am not going to leave you alone with all of this. Neither will Sandy and Seth. We are a family. That means we help each other. Right now, it is our turn to help you. We are not going to loose you." She pulled him into her arms, apparently not distracted by the fact that he didn't return the hug. He wished he could believe her, wished he could simply accept her words and let the Cohens take care of him. If only he didn't know that it would inevitably bring them down. These people had done more for him than anyone else. But his presence in their lives was not good for them. He should have left yesterday evening. Letting Marissa down would not have been as bad as causing the Cohens more pain. He shouldn't have stayed.

tbc

_motivation equals more writing; reviews equal motivation; ergo reviews equal ?_

_Do the math!_


	8. Revelation

Disclaimer: I tried to buy them, but my budget was too small

AN: Ok, 300 clicks and only 2 reviews? I honestly wasn't sure if I should even bother to post the next chapter here. You guys better motivate me if you want me to continue

**Dealing Chapter 8**

**Revelation**

Kirsten let go of Ryan after a while, but instead of going back to her chair, she sat down on his bed, pulling him down beside her. Every fibre of his being was screaming at him to get away, to put as much distance as possible between the two of them, but as much as his instincts were telling him to get out, he couldn't do it. Kirsten would be hurt, and hurting her was simply not an option if he could help it. He forced himself to sit still, though he didn't look at her. Her sigh seemed to signal resignation.

"Ryan, I know that all of this coming to late, that we should have talked about it much sooner. Put we can't fix the mistakes we made in the past, we have to focus on making things better in the here and now. I need you to really listen to me, and believe in what I say, ok?"

He nodded, still not facing her. Listening wouldn't be a problem. The believing part was bound to be difficult, if not impossible, but he couldn't tell her that.

"What happened last summer was horrible. It was something that should never have happened to you. And I understand how hard it is for you to live with what happened, but you can not let this ruin your future. You have to stop holding on to that misplaced guilt, because it is bringing you down. You might not see it right now, but I want you to believe me when I say that what happened, what Trey did, was in no way or form your fault."

He knew better than to question her, knew that he should just nod noncommittally and let her keep on talking, but her repeated plea to believe what she was saying somehow made it impossible for him to keep his mouth shut. "What changed? I mean why is now suddenly not my fault anymore?"

Kirsten looked at him and judging from the look in her face, she didn't understand what he was talking about. "What do you mean what changed? Honey, nothing changed. It never was your fault." She seemed honestly puzzled.

He contemplated just letting it slide, but he knew that if he tried to do that, she wouldn't let go before he explained himself. He took a shaky breath, trying to gather the courage to speak. He never openly questioned his guardians' behaviour. But she had asked and now he had to answer.

"If you never thought it was my fault, then why are you best friends with Mrs. Cooper?"

* * *

Kirsten didn't know what to say. What did her friendship with Julie have to do with Ryan? The boy was staring at the floor as if trying to figure out a secret code hidden inside the carpet. She hated knowing that he didn't feel like he could look her in the eyes. Especially now, when she had no idea what he was talking about, she could have used the hints he sometimes gave when his carefully controlled mask slipped a little. But since that was apparently not going to happen, she would simply have to ask and hope for an answer she could make sense of.

"Ryan, I don't understand. What does Julie have to with this?" She sounded as lost as she felt.

He finally looked at her now, and she had to suppress a flinch at the raw hurt she saw in his eyes. "Kirsten, if you didn't think she was right, then you wouldn't be friends with her."

"She was right? Right about what, Ryan? Honey, I really don't understand."

He had jumped of when he had last spoken, but his move to the other side of the room came to an abrupt halt at her words. He turned around slowly and actually searched her eyes. She had to keep herself from squirming under the intense inquiry in his gaze. Then, he seemed to suddenly deflate, bringing to her mind for a second the picture of the boy who had quietly informed her that her newly found half sister had left Newport to move to Chicago with her mother.

"You don't know." It was a simple statement, yet she could feel that it was meaningful to him, even if she had not yet been able to figure out why. Wanting to keep the conversation going, needing to get to the bottom of this and at the same time being overwhelmed by the importance of comforting this boy who suddenly seemed so lost, she got up and took a tentative step towards him. "I don't know what, honey? What did Julie do?"

Another change of expression, the emotions apparently changing to quickly for Ryan to establish his usual mask. Confusion and exhaustion was replaced by hesitancy and insecurity. He seemed to be trying out what to say. She suppressed a sigh when he took a step back, away from her.

"It's not that important, not really." Ryan had always been bad at flat out lying to people, but this was bordering on ridiculous. Was he really expecting her to buy this? After everything that he had said before?

"Ryan. Please don't lie to me. It has to important, if it unsettles you like that. What is it that you can't tell me?" What the hell had Julie done to him that had on the edge like this? And why was he suddenly trying to cover up for whatever it was?

He was looking at the ground again, and for a moment she wished he hadn't cut of his hair, because when he hid behind his bangs he didn't seem this defeated. "I don't want to badmouth her. She's your best friend."

"Which if I remember correctly, is the problem. Ryan, you have to tell me." She was growing desperate, afraid he would close himself of again before she could get to the bottom of this, before she could really understand what was going on. The only thing she knew was that he somehow had taken her friendship with Julie as a judgement against him, and the thought of hurting him without even knowing it made her tear up. She couldn't stand the thought of coursing this boy pain, even more than he was already suffering from. She had to get through to him before it was to late, before he decided that protecting her friendship with a woman who seemed to have done something horrible to him was more important than his own well being.

"Ryan. Ryan, please look at me!" He listened, because that was whet he always did when she asked something from him, and maybe his need to always do what she or Sandy expected from him- unless it was staying out of trouble, because he never did that- was something else she should think about. "You are right, Julie is my friend. But friends never come before family, and you are family. That means that you are more important, ok?"

She repressed the remorse she felt at her own words, words she believed in and yet had ignored when she had decided that staying with Charlotte and helping her get over her relapse was more important than coming home to her family. Another thing to throw on her ever growing pile of guilt. She would have a lot to talk about at the next AA meeting.

His look told her that he might have heard her words, but it hadn't been enough to convince him. Knowing that he felt like he rated beneath her friends hurt. How had they not seen this before? "Don't you think I deserve to know?" She didn't want to do this, didn't want to guilt him into telling her, but she was running out of options. "If she did something to hurt you, to hurt my family, then don't you think I deserve to know about it?"

* * *

Kirsten's question hung heavy in the air. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to be the one to tell her what her best friend had done. Because even if he had trouble believing what she said about him being more important, what she had about family had hit home. Family came before friends. After all, that was why he still berated herself for not being there for Trey more, for not helping him stay on the right track. Even after everything his brother had done, he couldn't let go of the feeling of having failed him somehow. So he understood what Kirsten had said about family. Accepting that he was considered a part of that family was a lot harder, but he didn't dwell on that particular problem in this moment. Because he knew that at least to the outside, he was presented as a member of the Cohen family. He was a member of the Cohen family to Julie. And yet she had done what she did. That was what he needed to concentrate on. Because Kirsten was right. If her friend was willing to hurt her family to get what she wanted, then Kirsten deserved to know. He would want to know if their roles were reversed.

"She went to the hospital, to see Trey. She, I don't know how, but she convinced him to tell the police that I had been the one who shot him." He looked at Kirsten, seeing the shock rush over her face. "She was trying to protect Marissa." He felt compelled to add. He didn't want to make Julie the bad guy, just tell Kirsten what had happened.

The emotion continued to chase each other over his foster mother's face. Confusion, disbelieve, confusion again, hurt and betrayal (Ryan knew the feeling all to well and berated himself for coursing Kirsten to feel it, even if he had only been the messenger) outrage and finally an eerie calm that reminded Ryan of himself after Seth had told him about what had happened when they had been in Miami. Kirsten seemed to take a moment to gather her strength and regain her control, before she looked at him, meeting his eyes and leaving no doubt that she meant what she said.

"She had no right to do that, Ryan, absolutely no right. It doesn't matter if she was trying to protect Marissa, as you say, or if she was trying to hurt you, which right now seems just as likely. What matters is that what she did was wrong and there is no excuse for it."

It was funny, how good it felt to hear these words from his guardian. He had pushed this so far under the rug in his mind that he not even been aware of the hurt her friendship with Julie had caused him anymore. But now, hearing that she hadn't known before and that knowing about it, she was everything but ok with it, felt like someone was soothing an ache that had been there so long, he had gotten used to it and learned to ignore it.

Kirsten was not done yet. "I understand how horrible it must have been for you to think that I knew and considered her my best friend regardless. Please Ryan, you have to believe me that I had absolutely no idea. I never would have acted the way I did if I had known. Do you believe that." He just nodded, no doubt in his mind after the conversation they had just had.

"Good. And now do you believe me when I say that I never, not ever, blamed you for what happened last summer?" This was not as easy, but looking at her face he saw that the same urgency, the same need to right his wrong impression was still present. This was real; this was not Kirsten placating him to get him to calm down. He had believed what she had said before; there was no reason not to believe her now.

He nodded again. She had only asked if he believed that she didn't blame him, not if he believed himself free of guilt.

_**Reviews make me happy. I write more when I'm happy. Convince me to continue :0)**_


	9. One step forward

Disclaimer: I still can't afford to buy them

AN: I need to apologize for being so demanding about feedback last time. I had been having a bad day, and the lack of responses made me doubt if anyone even liked this story. But that was no reason to threaten to discontinue. I am not going to do that again. Instead, I simply say that feedback makes me extremely happy (and thanks to those anonymous reviewers to whom I couldn't reply), and are very encouraging. So, please review, even if you want to tell me what you didn't like

**Dealing - Chapter 9**

**One step forward…**

Kirsten felt that she was close to loosing control. And if there was one thing she knew about Ryan, then it was that if he watched her break down, he would blame himself for it. She would have to keep herself together, at least until she was out of his sight.

"Now that this is cleared up, how about I give you a break. I'm pretty sure you have more than fulfilled your daily quota of words already, and there are still things that need to be discussed later. You're going to need your strength." She was pretty sure that Ryan could hear how false the cheer in her voice was, but he did not comment on it and she decided to accept it.

She left the pool house, carefully closing the door behind herself, not wanting any unexpected noise to shatter the fragile hold she had been able to give the boy inside. Making her way back to the main house, she couldn't keep herself from picking up the pace. By the time she reached the doors, she was almost running.

Her husband and her son looked at her expectantly as soon as she entered the room, but the curiosity on their faces was soon replaced with concern. "Mom?" "Kirsten? What happened?" Trying to figure out how they knew that something was wrong, she realised for the first time that while on her way here, she had lost what little control she had had and tears had started to make their way down her cheeks. At the same time, the anger inside her seemed enough to make her explode. Not a good combination.

"Seth, go up to your room." She hadn't used this voice in quite a while, feeling that she had lost her right to tell the boys what to do when she herself had failed so badly. Right now though, that didn't matter.

"What? Mom no, I want to know what happened. We have to be united in this battle, remember? We need to..."

"Seth. Upstairs. Now." No need wasting any more words than necessary. She had more important things to talk about, and they didn't concern her son.

Seth could apparently see that she was serious, because he grudgingly left the kitchen. "No eaves dropping!" she shouted after him, needing to make sure that he would not end up getting caught up in this argument. None of this was his fault.

"Kirsten? What is going on?" The fact that Sandy didn't seem to even have an idea what she could be upset about made it even worse.

"What is going on? I'll tell you what is going on. Ryan thought that I blamed him for what happened with Trey. And do you know why?" She didn't wait for Sandy to answer, his befuddled expression giving away that he was still clueless. "Because I consider Julie Cooper my best friend. Now, do you have any idea why this supposed friendship could lead to that kind of thought?"

This time, she did pause, taking the time to watch the expressions chasing each other over Sandy's face. The one that stayed in the end could best be described as shock mixed with a good amount of remorse. He seemed at a loss for words, staring at her without seeing her. But she did not have the patience to wait until he put together a well thought out explanation. She wanted an honest answer.

"How could you, Sandy? How could you not tell me what that woman did to Ryan? How could you let me go on believing that she is my friend when she is everything but? How could you allow me to spend all this time with her, knowing how horrible she behaved, knowing that she didn't even hesitate to hurt _our son_? How could you not tell me that what I was doing was hurting him?"

She finally stopped yelling, looking at her husband expectantly. She had no idea what she wanted him to say, but she needed answers.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sandy closed his eyes, not sure if he was trying to shield himself against the unveiled accusation he could see in his wife's face now or if to hide from the disbelieve he was sure was going to follow his admission.

"I... God Kirsten, I never thought about that. I was...I don't know why, but Ryan thinking that way never came to my mind. And before you say it, yes. Yes, I should have thought about, should have known that he would misunderstand it. I should have talked to him about it."

Just like he should have talked to Ryan about what happened with Trey, and about his feelings regarding Trey's coma and subsequent disappearance. The was so much that they ought to have talked about, so many ways in which he had let the boy down. No wonder he wanted to get away.

"Yes you should have though about Ryan's feelings. But do you think that's it?" He couldn't stand it when she looked at him like this, as if he had somehow let her down. It was a look he had seen more than enough of over the last year, and he had really been hoping never to incur it again. Yet once more his wife was looking at him as if she wanted to say, "You are not the man I married."

He knew what she was talking about, knew that she was enraged by the fact that he had kept Julie's betrayal from her. But while there was no excuse for the way he had neglected to take Ryan's feelings into account, he had had good reasons for not telling her. And he was not going to let her condemn him without making her listen first.

"What, you think I should have told you?" This time he was the one who didn't wait for an answer, after all he already knew what it would be. "When was I supposed to tell you? When you were in rehab and couldn't even bear the thought of coming home? Do I need to remind you of how overwhelmed you were when I told you what had happened with Trey? Do you think I wanted to put you through something like that again? Was I supposed to tell you when you had just given me that long speech about how you wanted to fix things when you'd come home? How you wanted to make a life for yourself outside of the Newport Group, and how good it was to know that there was a friend you could rely on to start building that life?"

"Sandy!" She looked shaken, so shaken, but somehow he couldn't stop yet, couldn't just take her accusations without reminding her of the reasons why he had to deal with all of this alone. He never blamed her for her alcoholism, but a part of him was still hurt over the fact that she had not been willing to come back, back to him. The possibility of loosing her had been to real back then, scaring him too much to simply forget. And even knowing that throwing all this at her was not right, he couldn't stop himself. He had been keeping this inside for too long.

"Time and again, you told me how important she was to you, what a good friend and how much that friendship meant to you. According to you, your only other friend was Charlotte, the woman with who you locked yourself away in the woods. I wanted you to come home, Kirsten; I needed you to come home. Are you really expecting me to believe that if I had told you what Julie did, you would still have come back."

"Of course I would. Sandy, I didn't come back for Julie, I came back for you and the boys." Her anger was still visible in her face, but now there was also an earnest sincerity. Unfortunately, he couldn't simply accept her words. Too fresh was the memory of countless pleas for her to come home, of being denied again and again. Too deep still the hurt that her dead father had managed to do what he himself hadn't.

"It didn't feel that way. You came for your father's will reading and took of again. Was that when you wanted me to tell you about Julie, after I had spent hours driving myself crazy with worry about you? Kirsten, you almost relapsed. How could I have added any more problems to that?"

He was no longer yelling, his voice having lost strength during the last sentences. Kirsten suddenly looked so small. So defeated. He shouldn't have done this. No matter how much she had hurt him, hurting her back was not the answer.

"I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to throw all this at you. I just, I need you to understand why I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to risk loosing you again."

He looked at Kirsten expectantly, holding his breath in anticipation of her answer. He needed to know she understood. She had to know how much he had always disliked Julie, had to understand that what the woman had done to Ryan had made his dislike turn into disgust. She needed to understand that the only reason he had ever been civil to Julie was to protect Kirsten.

"Sandy." There were tears in her voice, and again he berated himself for loosing his temper. "I know that the last summer was hard for you. And the way you described it, I can see that my behaviour hurt you. There is obviously still a lot that we need to talk about, things we should maybe have talked about a long time ago. And we will do that, because You and I need to be open with each other if we ever want to get past what happened. If this morning taught me anything, then it is that we all need to talk more. But something I need you to know, that I need you to accept and never question again is that you can't keep things from me. Even if you think they might hurt you, I still deserve to know. I deserve to know when people I consider my friends betray me. And yes, it hurts, but knowing that you didn't tell me hurts almost as badly. I need you to trust me again, Sandy, otherwise this won't work."

He nodded, overwhelmed with relief when she took a step towards him and embraced him tentatively. He closed his arms around her, holding on to her as tightly as possible. He had missed this, even missed arguing with her without questioning everything he said before it left his mouth. Maybe having lost his temper wasn't so bad. And she was right. Julie didn't deserve Kirsten's friendship, she never had and she certainly didn't now. Kirsten deserved to know about these things. He smiled at the thought of what Kirsten would probably do and say the next time she crossed ways with Julie Cooper. He couldn't wait. But then he remembered what had started this whole conversation, and he couldn't keep himself from stiffening.

Kirsten looked at him questioningly, and he felt bad for destroying the short brake they had been giving themselves. But he knew that this was far from solved. Kirsten was not the only one he needed to talk to.

"I need to talk to Ryan, tell him that it was my fault that you didn't know about Julie, tell him that we never blamed him." He knew this wasn't entirely true, knew that there had been a time when he had asked Ryan if he had been the one who shot Trey and hadn't been sure about the answer, but this is different. The other is something that he will also have to talk to Ryan about, but right then and there, he needed to set this straight, before Ryan came up with other ways to misinterpret what they did and said.

Kirsten let him go, and he was pained to realise that the distance was not only physical. She had allowed herself to forget about Ryan's role in this for a moment, but now she obviously remembered, recalled that she had not been the only one who had been hurt by Sandy's silence.

"I already told him that I never blamed him, but I am sure it will be good to hear it from you as well. And Sandy…" she paused, waiting till he met her eyes. The anger from before was back. "You better give him a damn good explanation of your reasons for not telling me."

He nodded and turned away from her, welcoming the escape from her piercing gaze.

"Sandy."

He halted his steps but didn't turn back. He tone had turned even colder, and he didn't want to see the expression accompanying that voice.

"There is another question you should ask yourself. One that Ryan won't pose, but surely will think about. If Seth had been the one that Julie tried to send to jail, would you have kept it from me?"

He shuddered, feeling himself loose his well-honed self-control. The question was horrible, but even more horrible was the fact that he knew the answer. It was not one he was proud of. Not wanting to face is wife before he had come to grips with this new bout of shame; he didn't turn back but instead stepped through the doors.

Making his way to the pool house, he once more repeated in his head what Kirsten had told him. Ryan had thought that Kirsten blamed him for everything that had happened with Trey because she had still considered Julie her best friend. Since Sandy had forced himself to accept Julie's seemingly permanent presence in the house for what he had thought was Kirsten's best interests; he must have given the boy the same impression. No wonder Ryan had wanted to leave.

Sandy stopped, taking a couple of deep breaths to regain his composure. Talking to Ryan would not be any easier if he was a complete mess when he did so. They needed to get this supposed blame out of the way. Later he would try to figure out what exactly to make of the realisation that, no matter how convinced he was that he treated both his boys basically the same, he obviously had quite different standards when it came to the burdens he expected the to bear.

Because while he had believed Ryan capable of getting over the ramifications and consequences of Julie's actions on his own, and had therefor not deemed it necessary to inform Kirsten so she could help him; he knew that if Seth had been the one innocently sent to jail, not only would he have told Kirsten, he probably would have forced him to go to a therapist to talk about the horror of spending a night in juvie. Yet he had done nothing of the sort for Ryan.

He needed to remember that behind Ryan's tough façade, he was hiding a boy who was actually younger than Seth, a boy who had probably been through more traumata than Sandy would ever know. He had to finally get it through his head that Ryan's ability to seemingly shrug off the most horrible experiences was not something he should encourage, not something he should rely on.

He was still a kid, and Sandy was ashamed to admit that he hadn't treated him as such for quite some time. This would have to change before it was to late, before the damage became irrevocable. Because Sandy knew that Ryan would take his treatment and the difference in comparison to Seth not as a sign of his guardians misplaced trust in Ryan's abilities of solving problems on his own, but rather as a sign of his place in the family. "Not an Atwood, but not a Cohen, either."

Sandy sighed, pushing the thought away for now and entering the pool house.

"Ryan. You got a minute, I would like to talk to you?" When no answer came, he let his eyes sweep across the room, trying to determine where the boy was and if maybe he had fallen asleep. Sandy couldn't see him anywhere.

But what he did see caused him to gasp in shock. The bag, the one Ryan had packed the day before to take it with him on his boating trip, was gone. And so was Ryan.

**Again, please tell me what you think. I welcome constructive critizism!**


	10. two steps back

disclaimer: still didn't manage to buy them. It's a shame, really.

AN: Once again, to those who reviewed: Thank you, it means a lot, even if I couldn't send all of you a personal reply. Please, continue to tell me what you think, it really keeps me going.

**Dealing- Chapter 10**

…**two steps back**

Kirsten watched her husband's way to the pool house, saw him stop and stare at the ocean as if it held all the answers. She knew Sandy well enough to be sure that he wasn't seeing anything, was lost in thought and had turned to the ocean in a reflex that had developed over the years in Newport, years of the water being his escape from everything he hated about this community. It had become his refuge, and searching it out was natural to him by now.

She didn't blame him for needing some time to gather his thoughts, knowing that she had given him quite a lot to swallow. But while she felt sorry that he had to come to grasps with those painful realisations, she did not regret anything she had said. These were all things that Sandy had needed to hear.

She turned away from the glass doors, making her way to the stairs and up to Seth's room. Sandy needed to talk to Ryan; she had to apologize to Seth. He was not responsible for her anger at Sandy, and she shouldn't have snapped at him the way she did when all he had wanted was to know how Ryan was doing.

She knocked at her son's door, opening it as soon as the low "Come in" could be heard. Seth was sitting on his bed, looking up at her expectantly. "Are you guys done arguing now? Because if you are, maybe we can return to the regular scheduled program of helping Ryan. If you remember, that's what we all wanted to do today."

The accusation in his voice was not unexpected, the words however were. She had been prepared to explain her words before, but this was not a conversation she had been anticipating. And she did not like the tone her son was using. "Seth. I told you not to eves drop. " Probably not the most sensible response, but Kirsten had never been good at dealing with accusation, especially not coming from people that she loved.

"I didn't. You and dad both have quite impressive vocal cords. I didn't understand what you were yelling, but the fact that you both were was hard to miss. "

"There was something we needed to discuss. And before you start again, it was about Ryan. He told me something that Sandy hadn't, and I needed to know why."

Seth had always been so much easier to read then Ryan. The anger in his face was fast replaced by barely concealed curiosity, mixed with something that could maybe be described as admiration, even though the mirth in his eyes told her to keep her guard up.

"Ryan told you something. You mean as in actually revealing information using the form of communication commonly know as speech? If the next thing you say is that he did it with out any form of threat, such as forced attendance at the next ten Newpsie events, I will have to call the news ask them if there have been any reports on flying pigs yet."

She rolled her eyes at her son, even though she appreciated the change of atmosphere that came with the familiar humour. "Yes to the speech and no to the threats. Though thank you for the good idea, honey, I will keep in mind for the next time when one of you doesn't want to tell me what is going on."

Now Seth was the one to role his eyes, throwing in a drawn out, suffering sigh for good matter. When he apparently had decided that his position on that particular matter had been made sufficiently clear, he once more turned to her. "So? What did Ryan tell you that was so important, and that ended up in causing you and dad to have a yelling contest?"

Kirsten hesitated for a second, not sure if the conversation she had had with Ryan in the pool house was one that she ought to share with Seth, but in the end decided that he boy would somehow manage to find out anyway. At least if she told him, she could save Ryan from whet was bound to be endless, mind-numbing pestering. Plus, there were some things she still needed clarification on, and her son might be able to provide the information she needed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seth looked at his mother expectantly. The thought of Ryan actually talking to her still had him in awe, especially considering the fact that they had hardly talked at all since she had returned from rehab. Now if she would only tell him what exactly she had been told. After all, if he was supposed to be a good less-related brother, he needed to know what was going through Ryan's head in order to be able to help. Really, that was his only motivation for asking.

"He told me what happened with Julie."

Seth had no idea what to make out of that answer. What had happened with Julie? And why had Ryan not told him about whatever it had been? That was not at all in accordance with the best friend full disclosure code. What could Julie possibly have done now?

His bafflement was apparently visible on his face, because his mother took one look at him and elaborated. "He told me that Julie tried to blame Ryan for the shooting."

Oh. Ok. But why the hell would Ryan talk to the Kirsten about that now, when it had happened ages ago? And what did it have to do with this morning's conversations? Why would it cause the 'rents to argue like they were getting paid for it? Most importantly, why did Ryan have to tell Kirsten about it?

"Wait, mom, you mean you didn't know?"

Kirsten simply shook her head and Seth decided that it was a good thing he was sitting down. How could the Kirsten not have known about Julie Cooper-Nichole-Almost-Cooper's plot to send Ryan off to juvie?

Crap. If Sandy hadn't told her, that would actually explain the yelling. His mother hated being kept in the dark about things.

"Dad didn't tell you? Why the hell not?"

"He thought- and I guess I gave him the impression- that I needed Julie's friendship. He was afraid that telling me would set me off, cause me to relapse."

He nodded absentmindedly, acknowledging the fact that his mother was defending his father's actions when he the yelling minutes before had clearly indicated that she did not agree with them at all. His parents had always tried to present themselves as a unit to him, and to be honest he liked it that way. They could be nauseating, but he preferred his parents being together. They didn't need him to get involved in their relationship troubles, so he decided to simply accept her answer and move on to the next question.

"Ok. But what does Julie's usual I-get-what-I-want, no-matter-what attitude have to with your conversation with Ryan in the pool house? I'm afraid I am no Sherlock Holmes, because I don't see the connection."

Kirsten's first reply was a sigh, the second reaction a move to sit down on the bed beside him. He was about to comment that he was too old for bedtime stories, but decided differently when he got a look at her face. His mother looked ashamed.

"He thought I knew what she had done, and that I decided to be her friend regardless. I thought it was ridiculous of him to believe that, but since you apparently knew what she had done and never questioned our friendship, I guess I'll have to rethink that."

His mother really shouldn't look so small, but he wasn't sure what to do against it. Lying to her definitely wouldn't make anything better.

"Well, it's not as if she never did anything wrong before. I mean, leave aside the fact that she married grandpa only for his money and was ready to get remarried to Mr. Cooper after less than four month, there is still the fact that she never liked Ryan. She treated him like dirt pretty much ever since he came here, telling everyone that he was a car stealing criminal from Chino who set houses on fire and so on. She had no trouble demanding his help to find Marissa, but she never apologized for the way she treated him. She never stopped bad mouthing him, either. I guess I just figured that since you didn't care about that, you had decided to look past the whole Trey debacle, too. I mean, she's your friend, and I wouldn't want you to judge my friends, so…"

He trailed of, realizing too late that this had definitely not been the right thing to say. His mother had closed her eyes in defeat.

"No wonder he believed I was ok with what she did. To him, it must seem as if I always choose her first. God."

"Come on, mom; don't be too harsh on yourself. You don't always let her get away with things. I mean, you gave her hell for leaving Mr. Cooper when he went bankrupt, right? And I'm sure Ryan understands that friendships in Newport are weird. I mean, he ended up being friends with Luke."

Kirsten was shaking her head, and seeing her sitting there like that made Seth feel strangely protective of her.

"He got it all wrong. He believed I let Julie get away with what she did because I blamed him for what had happened with Trey."

That, he had not seen coming. Though unfortunately, it made sense, in a Ryan sort of way. Ryan was a master at non-verbal communication; it would make sense for him to assume that Kirsten's behaviour was a non-verbal way of blaming him. And if he really thought that, well there was a whole other reason for him to want to leave. As if he had needed any more.

"But you told him that wasn't true, right? I mean, that's what you guys talked about in the pool house, isn't it?"

It didn't seem as if his mother had registered the question.

"I accused Sandy of treating you boys differently, and yet I do just the same. I never would have become friends with Julie had she been talking about you the way she talked about Ryan. At least Sandy never left any doubt to the fact that he doesn't like her. How can I expect Ryan to feel like part of the family when I don't treat him like one?"

It was obvious to Seth that his mother was lost in thought, but that didn't mean that he couldn't listen and comment.

"Mom, don't you think you exaggerating a little. I mean, how did we get from Ryan feeling as if you blamed him to Ryan not feeling like he is part of the family?"

She had heard him this time, and he was shocked to see tears gathering in her eyes when she looked up at him.

"He said it. When we were talking to him about his plan to leave, he said that he was not an Atwood anymore, but he wasn't a Cohen, either. Back then; I was just hurt that after more than two years of living with us, he still didn't consider us his family, but now…"

While his mother trailed off, lowering her gaze to the floor once more, Seth tried to catch up with his racing thoughts. This kept getting worse.

When he had entered the pool house- had it really only been this morning? - his most pressing problem had been that Ryan had apparently chosen Marissa over him and his family.

After his first conversation with his best friend, that thought had been replaced by worry about the fact that Ryan only stayed out of guilt and the guilt induced need to protect Marissa. The fact that for some reason, Ryan held himself responsible for his brother's actions was still something Seth did not really understand.

In the kitchen, shock over Ryan's outburst and the way he had lashed out at the Sandy had joined the game, as well as some hurt over the fact that for the first time ever, his mother seemed to understand Ryan better than he did.

Anger about his parent's fight- the first one- and then helplessness as his mother had joined Ryan in the pool house had come next.

More anger about being sent to his room and the second fight had followed suit after his mother's return to the main house.

And now, there was guilt over not realising how Ryan misinterpreted Kirsten's actions.

But none of these feelings had been as strong as the pain he felt now. Ryan was a part of his family, had been one in addition to being his best friend ever since his parents had decided to become his legal guardians. The thought that Ryan did not feel that way was horrible, creating a kind of ache in him that he had not felt since more than a year ago, right after the words "I am going with her" had left Ryan's mouth. How could Ryan question something that was so obvious? He was a Cohen in everything but name, he had to know that.

But then he once more thought about what his mother had said. The 'rents had both let people get away with doing things to Ryan that they never would have allowed them to do to Seth. He had known that, but for the first time Seth actually thought about what impression this might have given Ryan.

Seth had always explained the differences in the way they were treated with two simple facts. One, they were two different people, so of course they also needed different kinds of parenting (not that he would ever admit to needing any kind of parenting). Two, and this was another thing he didn't like to admit, he was not capable of dealing with problems the way Ryan was.

But now, he realized that even if Ryan would have been horrified at the thought of either Kirsten of Sandy loosing a friend because of Ryan, it might have still been nice for him to know that neither one of them wanted the friendship of anyone who treated Ryan badly.

Seth still remembered the awe in Ryan's voice when, after a long explanation of why Caleb's heart attack had been his fault, he mentioned with a failed attempt at casualty that Kirsten had told her father to stop. Maybe he could have done with a few more experiences like that.

He lowered his gaze to the ground, focussing on the same point that his mother seemed to be looking at. He should have thought about these things a long time ago. Maybe then, Ryan wouldn't have felt like he had to leave Newport on a freaking fishing boat.

The quiet contemplation of mother and son was interrupted by noise on the ground floor, followed by Sandy yelling their names. The panic in his voice made both of them jump up and rush into the hall way, where they encountered an out off breath Sandy.

"Dad?"

"Sandy? What is going on?"

His father's next words convinced Seth that there was indeed always a way for things to get even worse.

"Ryan is gone. His backpack isn't in the pool house any more, and he isn't, either."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ryan leaned his head against the window of the Greyhound. When he had arrived at the bus station, he had simply boarded the first bus that had left, not really giving a damn where it would take him, as long as it was far away from Newport, far away from the Cohens. He had to get out of there, before he could cause even more damage.

He closed his eyes, willing himself to forget. Of course, he didn't have any kind of success. He honestly didn't believe there was anything that would enable him to forget the picture of Kirsten and Sandy standing in the kitchen, eyes blazing with fury instead of the love that used to be constantly present whenever they looked at each other. Kirsten's accusatory voice had been easily discernible.

He had caused that. Had he not started on the topic of Julie Cooper-Nichole, Kirsten would never have fund out that Sandy had been keeping her actions a secret from her. Ryan had been able to understand his reasoning even through the closed door, and his eyes had burnt with barely held back tears of shame at the realisation that Sandy had simply been trying to protect his wife. Ryan hadn't even known that Kirsten had been that close to relapsing.

And now he destroyed Sandy's effort to allow Kirsten every kind of help she could get in her fight against alcoholism. That in and off itself was inexcusable.

The fact once more, he was the reason for a fight between the couple had made matters so much worse. It felt like had been doing that pretty much ever since he arrived in Newport, and he couldn't help but hate himself for creating problems in what had to be the healthiest and stable relationship he had ever witnessed.

The fights directly after his arrival in Newport had been nothing compared to the rift between Sandy and Kirsten that had resulted from his summer in Chino. The fact that Seth had left as a reaction to his own leaving had been too much for both of them to handle, and loosing their son this way had pushed both of them to the edge. The tension had been discernible when they had returned, and Ryan was sure that it was one of the main reasons for the ever growing tension between them over the last year, therefore taking a pole position in the line of all the things that had driven Kirsten to the bottle.

Standing in front of the glass door, looking at Sandy and Kirsten once more fighting with each other, he had remembered why had decided to leave in the first place. Him being out of Newport was better for everyone, it was certainly better for the Cohens.

Sandy and Kirsten could concentrate on fixing their relationship, instead off having to deal with the various aftermaths of his stupid actions. Seth wouldn't run away this time, he was much more secure in his relationship with Summer and he was a good guy who could find himself new friends.

Yes, Marissa would be upset, but as much as he hated the thought of causing her even more pain after everything Trey had put her through, protecting the Cohens was more important. He was damaging their family, making everything worse the longer he stayed with them. Ryan had to get out of there before he could cause Sandy and Kirsten to fall apart for good, before he could cause someone else to have a heart attack or drive anyone else to the bottle.

He would go somewhere where the only one who had to deal with the consequences of his actions was he himself, somewhere where he was actually in control not only of his life but more importantly of the way his decisions influenced others.

Yesterday, he had felt as if he needed to stay for Marissa, but now he remembered that he had to leave for the Cohens. In the end, they would always come first.

_**Please, comment!**_


	11. Dejà vué

disclaimer: You're kidding, right?

AN: Once more, thanks to everyone who reviewed. I may not be able to respond to everyone personally, but I really appreciate your thoughts.

**Dealing – Chapter 11**

**Dejà vué**

„What do you mean, he is gone?" Sandy met the two equally questioning faces of his wife and son. He really wished he could spare him this, keep them from the pain of Ryan disappearing when only last night they had believed that danger averted. But the fact was that he had looked for the boy everywhere and had not been able to find him. He was also well aware of the significance of the backpack being gone, remembering that Ryan always took it with him when he left.

"I looked everywhere. He is gone, and he took his backpack with him."

Judging from the look on his son's face, the boy was aware of the significance as well. He looked utterly crestfallen.

"Sandy, that doesn't make any sense. Why would Ryan just take off? I mean I know he wanted to leave yesterday, but it was on a job. I just, I can't believe he'd simply take off, not after the talk we had. I mean there is simply no reason why he would do that."

Sandy stepped towards Kirsten, pulling her into his arms. The earlier harsh words really didn't matter right now, not when she needed him to hold her and keep her from shaking. If there was one thing the nightmare of the last summer had taught him, it was that his wife needed him far more than she was usually willing to admit. The same was true for him, and he had promised himself not to forget it again. Right now, she needed him.

"Dad" Seth's voice broke through Sandy's thoughts "what are we going to do now. If Ryan really took off, then we need to find him, right? Bring him back home so you can ground the hell out of him for scaring us like this?"

Seth was right. They needed to do something, the faster the better. After all, every minute they wasted without taking action gave Ryan the opportunity to get a little further away from them. They really didn't need to add physical distance to the list of problems they needed to solve.

He looked at Kirsten, trying to guess her thoughts on the matter. She met his gaze without blinking. "We should split up, check the most likely places for him to go. Seth, is there any place in Newport that Ryan would be likely to go to?"

Sandy watched his son looking at his wife, recognizing the expression on his face as one that he used when he felt uncomfortable about something he was going to say. "Mom, I really don't think we will have a lot of luck looking for Ryan in Newport. I mean, if he only wanted to get out of the house, he wouldn't have taken the backpack. And unfortunately, it's not really difficult to get out of Newport, even if you don't have a car.

"You think it is this bad? That he would leave not only the house but the city? Seth, don't you think you might be exaggerating a little. Ryan didn't run away before, when things were really going bad. Why would he run now, when things are going back to normal?"

She looked at Sandy pleadingly, and he really wished he could reassure her. However, he knew that his son was right. Ryan was most likely already out of Newport by now. If only he hadn't spent so much time looking for him around the house and had driven down to the bus stop right away…

Sandy interrupted his own train of thoughts. "The most likely thing for him to do would be to get onto one of the Greyhounds that are leaving from the bus station every few minutes. Maybe someone there saw him and could tell us how to find him, which bus he took or something like that."

He could see how Kirsten visibly pulled herself back together, apparently accepting the fact that yes, the situation really was this serious. Her eyes were brimming with tears, but he knew that she would not allow them to fall, at least not until Ryan was back at home. He pressed her hand that was still clasped in his. They would get through this together.

"Well then lets go, the faster we get there, the sooner we can drag him back home."

"Seth, there really is no need for all of us to go, I can do it alone and call as soon as I know…"

"No, Sandy, no way am I staying behind." Kirsten was apparently back to being in charge of her emotions, and his relief over seeing her like her old self once more kept him from arguing. After all, while it was not necessary for all of them to go, it couldn't hurt either. He simply nodded.

"Ok then, lets go." There wasn't really a need for any more words, so they all headed downstairs.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kirsten was sitting in the passenger seat of the Rover, trying and failing miserably to hide her nervousness. Turning her rings on her fingers absentmindedly, she stared out of the window, trying to make sense of what had happened. Why had Ryan left?

It didn't make any sense. After the conversation they had had, she'd really thought they had made a step in the right direction. Despite her anger at Sandy about being kept in the dark, she had been well aware of how much it meant that Ryan had actually admitted to being hurt by her ongoing friendship with Julie Cooper, even if he had not formulated it that way.

The trust he had displayed by opening up to her like that had given her hope, made her believe that they would be able to overcome this whole mess and get back to being a family that Ryan felt he was a part of. Sandy's news had abruptly destroyed that hope, and for a moment she had found herself unwilling to even acknowledge the fact that Ryan was gone.

Now that the realisation had had time to sink in, she was caught somewhere between fear for Ryan's well being, pain at the fact that apparently her words had not been enough to convince him that he was indeed a part of the family, and anger at the fact that he had just taken off. She just wanted to find him.

"Why do you think he would have come here?" she addressed her husband. "I mean, I accept that he apparently wanted to get out of Newport, but why are you so sure that he took the Greyhound? Couldn't he have taken one of the local buses, maybe gone to Chino? You know, go somewhere he has been before?"

She figured it was a valid question. It would make sense for Ryan to try to get back to his old home, even though she despised thinking about Chino as "home", even if using past tense. Ryan didn't belong there, never really had. He belonged with them.

"He has been here before." "This is not the first time." If she interpreted the way her husband and son were looking at each other correctly, then neither one of them had expected the other to speak. The surprise in their eyes was strangely calming. At least she was not the only one who didn't know everything that was going on with Ryan.

"When? Seth first, then Sandy, please." Funny, how giving orders brought back her Newport Group voice.

"Well, It's not really that important, I mean…"

"Seth!" Even though the boy clearly felt uncomfortable telling them whatever he was thinking about, they needed to know. If there had been another incident that led Ryan to the bus station, they had to know about it. She fought down the voice that said she ought to have known back when it actually happened. True as that might be, regrets wouldn't help anyone right now.

Seth seemed to understand the seriousness of the situation, or maybe he just decided it wasn't a good idea to anger her when she was already this upset. Regardless of the reasons, he continued.

"Well, last year when Lindsey left for Chicago, he was really upset. I mean, he yelled at me, which is not really something Ryan does like, ever. And he was brooding all the time and…"

"Where exactly does the bus station come in?" Interrupting Seth was not nice, but she couldn't listen to this right now, couldn't think about the fact that there was yet another problem she hadn't helped Ryan deal with. She had been so caught up with her anger at Sandy, with Carter and the still present sting of her father's betrayal, she hadn't even thought about what Ryan's reaction to Lindsay's departure might be. Hadn't thought about helping him deal.

"He wanted to take the bus to Chicago, visit her." He had gradually lowered his voice, being barely audible by the end of the sentence. Sandy kept her from having to say anything.

"He wanted to go to Chicago? Why did we not hear about this? Seth, why didn't you tell us? Or better yet, make him talk to us?"

"Make him tell you? What exactly was I supposed to say to him? I kept him from going, isn't that enough? Plus, when exactly was he supposed to tell you? You guys were so busy avoiding each other, being mad at each other because of God-knows-what, you were hardly ever there. If you had been, maybe you would have seen how miserable he was, and then you could have tried to cheer him up."

"Listen, Seth…" – "Sandy, no! He is right. We weren't there for the boys, not the way we should have been."

She briefly closed her eyes, gathering the strength to continue. Ryan was not the only one she- they- needed to talk to. Seth might often appear self-involved and clueless to the going-ons around him, but he had obviously been aware of the tension between her and Sandy. And it was true that they had gotten caught up in their own problems, and as a result had not been there for the boys the way they should have. But right now, they needed to find Ryan. The rest would have to wait.

"Right, so Ryan wanted to visit Lindsay in Chicago, and he was going to take the Greyhound?" Kirsten waited for her son's nod of confirmation before she turned to her husband.

"Ok. Everything else, we will have to talk about later. What did _you_ mean when you said it wasn't the first time Ryan went to the station?"

She could see that he wanted to continue questioning Seth, but he fought back the impulse, hopefully realizing that she was right and this would have to wait until they had found Ryan.

"Trey left on a bus. When Ryan and I got to the station, he was just leaving."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seth looked at his father in astonishment. This was new. Ryan had told him that Trey had left the hospital and disappeared, but there had never been any mentioning of seeing him at the bus station. When they had found Ryan and brought him home, he would have to have a long talk with him about the importance of full disclosure.

"When you got there? You mean Ryan had to watch him take off?"

His mother's voice revealed a mixture of emotion, shock and pity being the most prominent. Sandy didn't respond verbally, merely nodding his head, but Seth was too lost in thought to even quip about the unusual lack of words. His mother was right. Seeing Trey leave must have been painful for Ryan. And since he was Ryan, he of course hadn't wanted to talk about it, thus the lack of information. Getting mad at him about it probably wasn't the right way to deal with it.

"And then? I mean, how did he react, how did he come to terms with it? Sandy, you have to tell me those things, just because I wasn't there when it happened doesn't mean I shouldn't know about it."

Waiting for his father's response, Seth marvelled at the change in his mother's attitude. This woman who demanded to be included, who stated her mind and told his father what was what, this woman had been absent for so long, her sudden return came as kind of a shock to him. Ironic to think that a family crisis would bring about the change that rehab with its countless therapy session had not. He had missed her (even though he was pretty sure that if the change lasted, he would soon be complaining again about the way she intruded in his life).

"He didn't want to talk about it, no surprise there. I- he was pretty down, but I was there for him, ok?"

His father's slight smile was visible in the rear-view mirror for a second, only to be replaced with a worried frown again the next second.

Seth fought to keep himself in check, knowing that situation was already tense enough. Otherwise, he could have said a word or two about his dad's new way of being there for them, especially for Ryan. He doubted that forcing Ryan to have a private tutor had helped him deal with loosing his brother.

Holding back a sigh, he acknowledged that while his father hadn't been the picture perfect dad, he wouldn't have won a prize for best brother himself. After all, even if Ryan hadn't volunteered any information about the way Trey had left, Seth had still known the back-story. After Ryan had spent a summer switching between consoling Marissa and visiting his comatose brother in the hospital, Trey's sudden disappearance must have hurt, not to mention the fact that he left behind a mountain of unresolved issues and no way to deal with them.

Looking at it that way, it actually made sense that Ryan wanted to get away from everything reminding him of what had happened. Too bad there was hardly a part of Newport and Ryan's life here that Trey hadn't intruded on.

If the frown on his mother's face was any indication, she was not going to simply accept Sandy's answer. However, before she could open her mouth to continue her inquisition, they entered the parking lot of the bus station.

From his seat in the back, Seth could see how his father visibly drew himself together, pulling back his shoulders and taking an audible deep breath. When he turned to face Kirsten, the determination was back in his eyes.

"We can talk about this later, ok? Let's find Ryan and bring him back home first."

The way they were looking into each other's eyes somehow made Seth feel like a voyeur, and that had to be the ickiest feeling ever. Therefore, he was quite relieved when Kirsten broke the eye contact by nodding.

They left the car and headed to the office.

_**As always, feedback is what keeps me going.**_


	12. Past, Present and Future

disclaimer: still haven't saved enough money to buy Ben. Not sure if I would even want to own the show, considering the fact that they still seem to be unable to actually acknowledge, much less deal with Ryan's problems. Theresa lies to him about the baby, and he just asks her out for something to eat? Please!

AN: Sorry this took so long. But hey, maybe more reviews will motivate me to update again sooner!

**Dealing – Chapter 12**

**Past, Present and Future**

Ryan repressed a sigh, letting himself fall back in the seat, ignoring the squeaking of worn out leather. He didn't remember ever having been this tired before. Just how did he get here? He should have just ignored Seth's outbreak this morning, let his words wash over him and get back to normal. Instead he had made the mistake of giving his friend privileged information. He ought to have known that things would go downhill from then on. Talking never helped anyone.

But that wasn't completely true, was it? Talking to Kirsten had actually helped him. Hearing her actually say that she didn't blame him for what had happened with Trey had somehow lifted a weight he hadn't even known was weighing him down. The revelation that she had not known about Julie's actions, had not accepted what the woman had done and moved on as if nothing had happened soothed a hurt he had pretended didn't exist. But what was the price for that comfort?

Kirsten and Sandy were fighting again, he had once more caused trouble for the couple that had taken him in, had gotten him out of juvie and into a life that held the promise of an actual future. He owed them more than he could ever repay, and the only thing he did was cause them trouble.

"What can I bring you?" The waitress interrupted his thoughts. He lifted his head, his eyes settling on the face that would probably be attractive, if it wasn't drawn with exhaustion. She looked like someone resigned to never getting to do anything better than waiting in the small rest stop diner, bringing bad coffee and greasy fries to countless truck drivers and bus passengers.

"Cheeseburger, french fries and a coke." He didn't normally eat a lot when he was upset, but he hadn't really had breakfast and it was already late afternoon. "Please." he remembered to add. No need being impolite just because he felt like crap.

She nodded and went of in the direction of the counter, yelling his order to the cook that had to be hidden in the spacer behind the counter, barely visible through the smoke coming up from the grill, wafting through the diner and covering everything within with the fumes of hot oil and slightly burnt burgers.

He turned again, once more staring out of the dirt-smudged window at the grey road that seemed to be stretching endlessly in both directions. The very definition of being in the middle of nowhere. It seemed fitting.

He got the pack of cigarettes he had bought at the last rest stop out of his backpack and ripped of the cellophane wrapping. The diner might not be exceptionally clean, but no one here would frown upon smoking. Ashtrays were placed on all the tables. He definitely wasn't in California anymore.

Of course, he thought while taking out one of the cigarettes and lighting it, that was sort of the problem. His plan hadn't really gone farther than "get out of here fast". He was out now, but he had no idea how to go on. Getting a job without an address would be difficult. So would be getting a place to say. Not to mention that people might actually insist on seeing his ID, and then the fact that he wasn't legal yet would become an issue.

He snorted at the thought. As if you suddenly became an adult from one day to the next. He doubted Seth would be a grown up before he reached his forties. He didn't know the last time he hadn't had to be a grown up.

"Here you go." The waitress placed his food and drink in front of him.

"Thanks." It actually looked and smelled really good. He had almost forgotten that there used to be placed were you went for the food and not for the expensive interior design.

He took a last drag of his cigarette and dropped it into the ashtray, then took his first bite of the burger. It tasted good, too. Exactly what he needed right now.

_"Come on Ryan, you have to eat something." Theresa looks rather exasperated. Not that that is a new thing. Ryan is pretty good at driving her nuts by, as she calls it, "being such a guy." He doesn't mind it when she is angry, not really. She always stems her hands on her hips, and it causes her breasts to stand out more. Not that he would ever tell her this._

"_I can't ok? I'm sick." He is, sort of. He feels like he wouldn't be able to keep anything down. Ok, so it is not a virus, but nausea caused by punches and kicks to the stomach is still nausea._

"_I know, but if you don't get something into your stomach soon, you will get even worse. How are you supposed to get better after you puked out everything yesterday, if not by eating something now."_

_He gives her what she calls "the look", but it doesn't have an effect on her this time. And he knows she is right, he will have to eat something before going back home. Chances of getting something there are somewhere in the negative range of probability, and he needs to keep his strength up in case the current jerk of the week comes up with something else that is his fault._

"_Let's talk Turo into driving us to Mc Dumb, he will totally say yes because he still hasn't gotten over the fact that he actually has a license now. I mean, if coke and fries help against a hangover, they should help against this too, right?"_

_He can't help but smile at her now, because really, Theresa is just trying to be nice, and it is not her fault that his head feels like it will explode any second now. "Ok, let's go."_

_Normal people in Chino deal with their problems by getting drunk, drugged or setting records for domestic violence. T's chosen method of coping with trouble is comfort food. She had a secret stash of chocolate and muffins under her bed, and when the going gets rough, there are enough fast-food places within a twenty-minute distance to make sure she can calm down by consuming insane amounts of greasy food. She has to have an incredible metabolism, because she never gains weight. _

_He carefully gets of the pull out couch that he was allowed to spend the night on and follows her to the yard, where she is already harassing Turo. Ryan knows he will give in. He loves driving without worrying about being pulled over._

_He takes a step closer and smiles back at Theresa when she happily announces that their burgers and fries are waiting for them._

Ryan placed his plastic fork on the empty plate and took a last gulp of the coke. Now what?

He had left the bus at this stop because he had needed something to eat, and he had felt like he had spent enough time driving around in the Greyhound aimlessly. When he had taken his seat here, he had been determined to figure out what to do next, but so far, he hadn't been able to come up with anything. Atwoods and their tendency for instinctive gut reactions.

He really ought to have thought about this sooner. But really, with the chaos of self-accusations and worries about the Cohens, there hadn't been enough room in his mind for logical plans. There hadn't really been room for anything but the "get out" that had been loudly ringing through his head.

Even now, his thoughts kept returning to what he had seen and heard through those glass doors. He didn't think he had ever before seen Sandy and Kirsten openly fighting about anything. Even when they disagreed about something, there was always an amount of calmness that he had never experienced with his family. Seeing and hearing them yell at each other had felt like a punch to the gut.

He knew they would never be like his parents. Sandy would never beat Kirsten; she would never take to throwing empty liquor bottles at her husband. But then, he had also known that Kirsten would never be like Dawn, and yet two years after he had first accepted that knowledge, he had been taking part in her intervention.

He cringed, making a conscious effort to lead his train of thought away from that particular memory. Funny, how knowing that his foster mother was simply lashing out hadn't really done anything to make her words any less painful

He reminded himself of this morning, the long talk they had had in the pool house. She really did care about him. And she had actually accepted the help that Dawn had always refused to take, had gotten through rehab and come back sober.

So she had hurt him. Ryan didn't think there was anyone he knew who didn't, at some point and to some degree. It wasn't really Kirsten's fault that it affected him more when it came from her. For someone who was used to keep his walls up 24 / 7, he sure had easily caved when faced with the Cohens.

He lighted another cigarette, taking a deep drag and enjoying the feeling of it filling his lungs. Right now, he didn't know how he had ever been able to quit.

Blowing out the smoke and watching it wafting away, he once more tried to think about what to do next. But once again, the past took president over the future. Picturing a future without the Cohens in it was painful. Even when he had gone back to Chino, he had known that he would still see them every now and then.

He reminded himself that this was the way it had to be. To keep their family safe and intact, he had to take himself out of the equation. He might not be able to undo all the damage he had caused, but this way they had a shot at getting back to normal, to the way things had been before Sandy had decided to take one of his clients home and let him sleep in the pool house.

Ryan wasn't stupid, he knew that everything had not been perfect back then, Seth had taken more than enough time to explain in great detail the deeds of the evil water polo players, usually combined with some sarcastic comment about the fact that their lack of intelligence kept them from doing anything else. And Ryan had heard both the verbal and inaudible "You saved me from that", every time the other boy had talked about it.

But Seth didn't need to be saved any more. He had the girl of his dreams, and while he was still a nerd, geek and freak, the students had stopped giving him hell quite some time ago. And if they ever started again, Ryan was positive that Summer would tear them to shreds. The girl could be seriously frightening.

So things would go back to bad for Seth, and they could go back to good for Sandy and Kirsten. They would be able to concentrate on fixing their own problems, instead of wasting their time trying to solve his issues.

Leaving was the right thing to do. It didn't make him happy, but knowing that he would no longer complicate their lives was comforting. But then why was there a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him he was missing something important?

He wearily rubbed a hand over his eyes; trying to pinpoint the thought that was causing him to feel like had left the house without turning of the stove.

_How could you allow me to spend all this time with her, knowing how horrible she behaved, knowing that she didn't even hesitate to hurt our son?_

The memory came back sudden, startling him with its intensity. He hadn't understood everything that Kirsten had yelled at Sandy, but he had heard this. Somehow, it hadn't really registered at the moment, but now it was echoing loudly in his head.

"Our son" Kirsten had said, without any hesitation, and Sandy hadn't corrected her.

Before, when she had referred to him as family in the pool house, he had believed that she wanted to see him like that, even wanted him to see himself as such. After his slip up the evening before, when he had actually admitted to not feeling like a part of their family, he had figured she felt the need to reassure him as a means to making him stay.

He had heard her words and they had felt good, but he had still not been able to believe them, not really, thinking that Kirsten was saying what she believed had to be said to make him feel more at ease and make him stay.

The exchange with Sandy in the kitchen was different. Kirsten hadn't been talking to him, hadn't even known that he could hear her. She had called him her son, apparently not even having to think about it before categorizing him as such. And Sandy hadn't even seemed surprised.

Ryan leaned back once more, trying to figure out what this meant for him. Kirsten had yelled at Sandy because she thought he had done something that had hurt their son. And though he still felt guilty as hell about being the cause for an argument, he had to admit to himself that it felt amazing. Knowing his foster mother had actually meant that.

The comfort of this thought was, unfortunately, rather short lived. Kirsten thought of him as her son, as family. And he had just left, without any kind of explanation. Even Dawn had left a note.

Taking a deep breath, Ryan got up and walked over to the pay phone located at the other end of the diner. He still knew that he was doing the right thing, because Kirsten's feelings for him didn't change the fact that they were all better off without him, but he at least owed her an explanation.

**_If I beg for feedback, are you going to give me more? If so, imagine me kissing your feet._**


	13. Past, Present and Future II

disclaimer: Ryan is pretty much the only one I want to own, and sadly, he is not up for sale.

AN: Sorry this took so long. The muses were on strike, most likely caused by my depression over the OC-finale spoilers. But I had to at least get this out before they actually air and crush me completely.

AN2: Thanks a lot to everyone who took the time to comment, especially to those anonymous reviewers to whom I couldn't respond directly. You guys are great! (Please continue that way ;)

**Dealing – Chapter 13**

**Past, Present and Future II**

The silence in the car was suffocating, neither one of them wanting to brake it. There really wasn't anything to say at the moment.

Seth leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes with a defeated sigh. They should probably have expected this. The woman at the bus station got paid to sell tickets, not to remember every person she sold a ticked to and the direction in which that person wanted to go. Though really, it might be a good idea to enforce a policy that gave the ticket- sellers that additional duty, because obviously, the Greyhound was the vehicle of choice when people who shouldn't be going anywhere wanted to leave the town. There ought to be a law.

Not even knowing if Ryan had taken the bus at all, they had made a point of checking every other possible way of getting out of town, including the harbour, as well as places in town he might have gone to in the hope to hide for a while. They hadn't found anything. Now, Seth was pretty convinced that these had been some of the longest and most frustrating hours of his life.

They were not giving up, he knew they weren't, but this still felt like they lost the battle before they even got started. The bus stop had been the only idea they had had. Now he had no clue where to go.

The revelation that, after more than two years of living with Ryan, he had no idea where he would run to was not something he wanted to examine to carefully.

Ryan would know, if the roles were reversed. He had made his best friend listen to the carefully crafted plans of escape he had been working on since he was six. Ryan had just looked at him with lifted eyebrows, and Seth had stopped talking in the end, because the message was clear and he really didn't have anything to run away from. At least, not anymore. Not since his dad had decided that bringing home a stray kid was much more fun than bringing a stray dog and Seth's life had done a complete 180.

He didn't want to think about what his life would be like if Ryan didn't come back. Newport without Ryan was simply not an option. Only this time, he wouldn't even be able to take the catamaran and get the hell out, not only because Summer would kill him but also because his mom had just come home from rehab and yes, he knew he tended to be a bit self-absorbed, but he wouldn't do that to her. Not again, not now.

And just like that, worry was suddenly replaced by anger. Because Ryan knew all this, too. Ryan had been there when his mom broke down crying in the kitchen; Ryan had been there when Sandy sat down with them and explained why they didn't get to call her to say good night (he had so wanted to do that, because maybe it was childish but he hadn't cared, not at all). Ryan had been there for all of it, and he knew that the last thing his mom needed right now was for Ryan to just up and disappear. But obviously he didn't care, didn't give a damn since he had wanted to leave yesterday and then he had left today.

Seth knew he was being unfair, because he remembered what his mom told him, how Ryan had thought Kirsten was blaming him for everything with Trey, and knowing how much Ryan loved her (even though he never said it out loud, because he was cool and people from Chino didn't go around telling people how much they loved their mothers, or foster-mothers or whatever), he got how much that thought must have hurt. But they had talked about that, hadn't they? Kirsten had explained that she didn't blame him, and Ryan had left anyway.

He punched the headrest in front of him in frustration, earning a startled "Seth!" from his mother, deflecting her possible anger with a mumbled "Sorry."

Seemed like she got where he was coming from, because she just nodded and went back to staring out the car window. As if somehow, by pure chance, she could pick out a magic sign telling them where Ryan had gone.

Seth hated not understanding what was going on around him. He had always taken pride in his eavesdropping skills, but somehow they had lessened in importance when he had gotten a life of his own. And he felt like eavesdropping wouldn't have helped him in figuring this entire mess out, because that would have required Ryan to actually open his mouth and say what he was thinking, which he never did. Or maybe not never, but definitely not often enough.

Seth hated not knowing what was going on, he hated it so much right now, because if he only knew why Ryan had left, then he could talk to him and prove that all his reasons were stupid, and Ryan could come home. He needed Ryan to come home.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sandy clenched his hands around the steering wheel, trying desperately not to loose control. If he had a nervous breakdown, it wouldn't help anyone.

Seth was still sitting in the back, staring out of the window, and he couldn't remember the last time his son had voluntarily been quiet for such a long period of time. There was just something deeply wrong about a silent Seth.

He turned slightly to watch his wife out of the corner of his eye. She was leaning against the window, her eyes closed, and he would have believed her to be asleep, if not for the way her hands were balled into fists, white with tension.

Sandy wished she would look at him, but knew that probably wouldn't happen anytime soon. While they had had to forget about their argument for the time being to take of and look for Ryan, neither one of them was likely to forget what had happened. The thought that his actions regarding Julie had caused Ryan to believe that he blamed him was still something he would prepare not to think about.

Unfortunately, in the quiet of the car, it was apparently impossible not to think about it. He had no idea why Ryan had taken off, what had caused him to run, and in his desperate struggle to come up with an explanation, he kept examining his own behaviour over the course of the summer and the following months, trying to see himself from Ryan's point of view. He didn't like what he came up with.

He hadn't fully believed Ryan, not when it had counted. No, he had not doubted the kid's explanation of what had happened at first, but he had allowed himself to start doubting him over the course of the ongoing investigation. Trey's statement had made him question Ryan, instead of questioning the validity of the statement.

Looking back, he really had no idea what had possessed him to do that. He had known what kind of person Ryan's brother was by then. And he should have known that his foster son would never have lied to him about that. If there was one thing that was always true about Ryan, it was that he was honest.

If he was honest with himself, Sandy had to admit that he had allowed his emotions to cloud his judgement. He had still been trying to come to grasps with the fact that his wife had become an alcoholic, and with his own responsibility for that development. The additional drama of the shooting had somehow been too much to handle, and so he had allowed himself to fall for Ryan's declarations of being ok and not needing to talk.

And then when there was suddenly evidence against the boy, Sandy had felt blindsided. The issue was no longer something he could push to the back of his mind; it was a problem that had to be dealt with right there and then. Sandy had been overwhelmed, and not being willing to face the fact that he should have dealt with it weeks ago, he had directed his anger at himself to Ryan.

Trying to run away had been stupid, had given the police even more reason to doubt his version of the events, and Sandy had been frustrated that Ryan would do something so idiotically. He still felt that at least this anger had been justified, but the way he had let it out was another issue.

_"Glad to see the jumpsuit still fits"_

He had actually seen the blinds come down in Ryan's face at that moment. Sandy had known, right then and there, that it had been the wrong thing to say, even if it could be explained away as a joke.

Somehow it had continued that way. Ryan would do something stupid, like punching the Dean and getting himself kicked out of school, and in his anger Sandy would ignore the real problem. All these months, he had never once asked Ryan why.

Why did you drive over to Trey alone, instead of coming to me?

Why didn't you want to talk to me about what happened?

Why did you try to run away, instead of trusting me to take care of thing the legal way?

Why did you punch the Dean?

He hadn't asked, because honestly, her had been afraid of the answers. He should have known better, should have been aware of the fact that the boy was struggling with issues he wasn't even aware of. But instead of forcing him to face them, he had closed his eyes and acted as if healing the symptoms would cure the disease.

Get Ryan a tutor that can provide the same level of education as Harbour. Get him back into the school. Make it clear to him that he can't afford another screw-up.

At the time, it had been easier that way, but now he wondered how much his intentional blindness had contributed to Ryan's struggles.

Sandy suppressed a weary sigh. Figuring out why Ryan had run away really wasn't easy. There were far to many reasons to choose from.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kirsten had to hold back tears as she made her way back into the house behind her husband and son. She probably shouldn't have gotten her hopes up about catching Ryan at the bus stop, but she still felt utterly defeated.

No, she would not stop looking, but right now she had no idea where.

"We should call Marcus" If they wanted to find Ryan fast, they would need help.

"Who's Marcus?" Seth was looking at her with a befuddled expression she would have found adorable if she had been in the mood to indulge in sentimental parental moments.

"He's the PI we hired to find Dawn." her husband answered before she could "Calling him is a good idea. He's better at this then we are." She nodded and made her way to the phone. Before she could pick it up, it started to ring.

She lifted the phone to her ear and answered with a short "Cohen" before it could ring a second time. She could feel herself tensing up, waiting to find out who was at the other hand. They had left their number with several of the people they had questioned about Ryan, showing them the picture in her wallet once more and asking to be contacted immediately should he turn up. Maybe they would catch a break for once.

"Kirsten?" The voice on the other end of the line was hesitant. But it was definitely Ryan. She took a deliberately deep breath to compose herself and keep from starting to cry in relief right then and there.

"Ryan?" Ignoring the way her husband and son were suddenly staring at her, she tried to figure out what to say.

"Where are you? Are you ok? Why did you leave? Where are you?"

"I…I wanted to at least say good bye."

"What do you mean, say good bye?" She took an unconscious step back to escape Seth reaching for the phone and tried to black out the shocked "What" coming from both her son and her husband.

"Ryan, you are not leaving. I mean, you are not staying away. You'll come back, and then once you're back, you won't be leaving for a long time. Where are you? I'll come pick you up."

"Kirsten, no. I…it's better if I stay away. I just wanted to let you know properly. But, it's really better if…"

"No. Ryan, I don't know why you thought you had to leave, but you being gone definitely isn't better. It's wrong, and it's not something I will allow to happen. You can explain to me, to all of us, what happened and why you left once you're back home. Right now, I just want you to tell me where you are."

He didn't say anything, the silence allowing her to hear Sandy's muttered, "I don't know, Kirsten…" and Seth's "Mom, let me talk to him please."

But she would not let anyone else talk to Ryan, not now, not before she got an answer. She needed to fix this.

"Ryan?"

"Kirsten, I can't. I'm sorry if I upset you by just taking of, I am, but I can't come back. Everything would just…you don't understand." He trailed off and she could tell that was it, he had his mind set. She would not accept this.

"No Ryan, you don't understand. You don't get a choice in this. I know you may not think so, but you are still a kid. And that means that sometimes, you don't get to make these decisions on your own. This is one of those times. I will not allow you to leave; I will not loose you like that. If you don't tell me where you are, I am going to find you. I will hire a private investigator, I will report you to the police as a runaway, I will do whatever it takes to find you and bring you home."

"Kirsten!" her husband interrupted her, and Seth was looking at her as if she had suddenly sprouted wings. It didn't matter. She knew Sandy wouldn't like this, knew that he was likely already listing all his arguments against bringing Ryan back by force, but she just didn't care.

Yes, it would be great if Ryan came back voluntarily, but he was not willing to do so at the moment, and she was not willing to wait for him to change his mind. She would not spend weeks out of her mind with worry about him, wondering when he would come back, if ever.

She wasn't making idle threats; she was perfectly able and willing to employ all necessary force to bring Ryan back home. They had tried it the Sandy-way when Seth had been in Portland, and she had gone crazy missing him all summer. They had tried it again when Ryan had asked for permission to take of on that stupid boat, and only Ryan's overly developed sense of responsibility fro Marissa had kept them from loosing him. She was not taking any risks, and if force would turn out to be necessary, then she would use it.

If afterwards he would spend weeks brooding in the poolhouse, if he would hate her for forcing him back, then she would live with that. It was a price she was willing to pay, if in return she got the knowledge that he was safe and at home. There was hardly any prize to high to pay for that.

She heard him taking a deep breath, prompting her mind to envision him standing at some kind of public phone both, probably hiding his eyes behind his hair, despite the fact that no one could see him. She really wished she could, because talking to Ryan on the phone was like having a conversation and only hearing every third word. If she could only see him, maybe she would be able to figure out what was going on, what made the boy run away from her, after everything they had talked about this morning.

"Ok." He sounded defeated, and it was a way she never wanted him to feel, but right now it didn't matter, because he had actually said ok. She lifted her head to smile at her husband and son while memorising the address of a diner Ryan hesitantly gives her. Seth relaxed immediately at the sight of her smile, releasing a shuddered breath and then smiling back at her. Sandy's scowl lessens.

"Good. Ryan, I'll be there to pick you up as soon as possible, ok? Stay and wait, eat something if you're hungry but do not leave, am I clear?"

"Crystal." he replied, and she was surprised to detect something akin to relief in his voice.

"Good. That's good. We'll talk more when I'm there, ok? And Ryan?"

"Yeah?" There the hesitation was again. God, the boy really was on the edge.

"We'll figure everything out. I promise."

"'K" And he ended the call before she could think of anything else to say.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seth didn't remember the last time his mother had talked like this. No nonsense, I am the mom, I know what's best. He was surprised to realize he had missed it. When she had threatened to sick the cops on Ryan he had thought she crossed the line, but apparently not. She had actually gotten Ryan to give her an address.

"Ok, so let's go!"

He realized he sounded like a giddy school kid right before a trip to Anaheim, but he actually didn't give a damn. They were going to pick up Ryan, and then they could talk and figure out what was wrong. With the Kirsten in uber-mom mode, they would be able to solve whatever problem there was, and then things could finally return to normal. Or well, as normal as they could ever get around here."

"No. Seth, I'm sorry, I know you want to come, but I told Ryan that I would come pick him up. Me, not all of us." She sounded all calm and rational while saying that, as if it wasn't an issue at all. He wanted to object, tell her that after all, they were all family and should do this together, but before he could form a sentence or open his mouth, his father did.

"Kirsten, you're not serious. You can't just force me out of this! I know you are mad at me, and you have your reasons, but I am not going to let you exclude me from this."

His dad sounded down right pissed, and Seth could tell that it was not only at his mother's plan to bring back Ryan alone. His father had looked like he was ready to loose it when his mom had brought out the big guns while talking to Ryan earlier.

Seth took an involuntary step back. Looking from one of his parents to the other, he tried to figure out a way to keep this from turning into a fight, but there wasn't really any way for him to interfere, especially since he didn't want to get caught in the crossfire.

"Sandy, this isn't about you. It's about Ryan. I promised him that I would come to pick him up and bring him home, and that's what I am going to do. You can talk to him all you want when we get here, but I am driving alone. I was the last one who talked to him. I need to figure out if he left because of something I said, don't you get that?"

Ouch. The last time he saw his mom look this vulnerable was when the entire family was telling her to go to Suriak. He hadn't even realized that she blamed herself for Ryan's sudden disappearance. Judging from the look on his face, neither had his dad

"I get that, Kirsten, I do but…"

"No. No buts. I need to do this for Ryan. I need to fix this."

He actually held his breath waiting for his father to answer, releasing it only after the short "OK."

His mother nodded and made her way to the front door.

"We'll figure this out. We will."

With that, she left the house, leaving Seth to once more ponder how everything had escalated so fast today. But at least now, it seemed like things were taking a turn for the better.

_**review? pretty please with cherry on top?**_


	14. The Bigger the Obstacles

**Dealing – Chapter 14**

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I still don't own anything. It's depressing, really…

AN1: So, I promised when I posted the first part of this on LJ that the rest would follow soon. Yes, I am aware that that was four months ago. I'm really sorry.

AN2: My spell-check decided to go strike. Please, feel free to point out any and all mistakes.

**The Bigger the Obstacles…**

Ryan took another drag of his cigarette, concentrating on the feel of the smoke curling against the roof of his mouth. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly as relaxing as he wanted it to be. Not that there was really anything that would allow him to calm down. He couldn't believe he had just given in like that.

Nothing had changed. The devasting effect that he had on the Cohen family was not debatable, and neither was the fact that the only way to make it any better was to take himself out of the equation.

And yet, knowing all that, he had given in to Kirsten and told her where he was, promising not to leave until she got here to take him back to Newport. He couldn't even do this right, the one, the only thing left for him to do to fix the mess he had made out of their lifes.

It would have been better to put saying good bye off a little longer, or maybe he should have simply accepted the fact that he had proven to be a true Atwood after all and not have called at all. He might have felt like a piece of crap because of it, but he wouldn't have had to talk to Kirsten. He wouldn't have allowed her to change his mind against his better judgement.

Remembering her words, he tried to figure out what had made him cave in like that, and once more he came back to the same conclusion.

_"I will hire a private investigator, I will report you to the police as a runaway."_

She had threatened to call the police. No, it had not been fear of being found that had caused him to give in, it had been shock.

The police, just like social services, were the enemy. They always had been, and the thought that they still were was one of the few convictions that Ryan still hadn't let go off after more than two years in Newport. He had heard his mother's warnings and complaints about those _"fuckers who know nothing and want to destroy our family"_ too often to forget. Add to that his own experiences and he was pretty sure he would never be able to look at a police officer as a "friend and helper" in his life.

Kirsten, on the other hand, still seemed to be able to do that. He was sure she wouldn't have liked resorting to those desperate measures, but she had made it clear that she would have- if it was necessary to find him. The concept of someone calling the police to do something that was ultimately supposed to be for his own good had been an idea so startling and foreign, he had been stunned into forgetting, just for a second, what he had wanted to say. And Kirsten had made use of his silence.

Ryan took a shuddering breath, fighting not to get overwhelmed by the effect of her words again.

_"I will do whatever it takes to find you and bring you home."_

_"We'll figure everything out. I promise."_

The determination in her voice had been startling in and off itself. It had been quite a while since he had heard Kirsten take that tone with someone, had witnessed her being this adamant about things getting done her way. He had to admit to himself that he had missed it.

Even more astounding had been the revelation that Kirsten's return to form had apparently been caused by him - and not by her need to punish him for something he had done wrong, or her wish to protect others from his influence, but by her need to take care of him.

He'd had no idea how to handle that. Because listening to her frantic speech, hearing the fear in the slight quiver in her voice, fear of not being able to convince him to come back, he had realized that she really wasn't willing to let him go. What's more, she wasn't going to give him a choice.

Ryan knew all about having no say in decisions others made about his life. He had never been asked if he was ok with their move to Chino ("_you're six years old, you'll find new friends as soon as we arrive and forget about that Davies's kid and the others_")and his mother certainly hadn't taken him into consideration when she decided that the best way of coping with his father being gone was hooking up with a streak of equally considerate boyfriends ("_bastard gets himself caught and leaves me to take care of his no-good sons alone, I have every right to find someone better_").

There had definitely been no long conversation with Dawn when she kicked him out ("_I can't do this anymore_"), left him (_red lipstick on a paper towel_), left him again (_waking up, looking for her and knowing what was happening without even having to think about it_). He remembered a wave that had been as much "Good bye" as it had been "This is it, and you'll have to accept it". Funny how Trey, no matter how much he hated Dawn sometimes (all the time?), still had so much in common with her.

So Ryan knew what it was like to have no choice when it came to important changes in his life. He didn't remember ever having no choice about something good, something that, as egoistic as he knew it was, he really wanted ("_I will not allow you to leave; I will not loose you like that_").

He had been so shocked, he had given in. And then, his head still trying to come to grasps with her words, she had made him promise, promise not to go anywhere.

So now, he had to sit here and wait, because no matter how wrong it was, no matter that he knew his return to Newport would only make things worse, he would not break a promise he had made to Kirsten. He couldn't, even though for her sake and that of her family, he wished he was strong enough. The thoug of disappointing her hurt, but he knew that in the long run, it would have been much better. Still, he couldn't do it.

He grabbed for the pack of cigarettes again, but before he could take one out, could allow himself some small measure of comfort to distract himself from the fact that it had all been for nothing and he had failed in his attempt to protect the Cohen-family (again), the sound of a car engine being killed made him look up.

The way Kirsten was looking at him from behind the steering wheel, filled with an intense something that he couldn't (wouldn't try to) decipher had him squirming to keep from just bolting right then and there.

A second passed with both of them staring at each other, then she was out of the new Jeep in a rush of motion, running towards him and suddenly he was enveloped in a hug, air being pressed out of his lungs by surprisingly strong arms.

Hugging her back was a reflex, his arms hesitantly closing around her while his mind was screaming at him to figure out what the hell was going on, because kids who screwed up got punished, not hugged.

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Tightening her grip on Ryan, Kirsten had to struggle to rein in her emotions at least a little. She had spend the whole drive worrying that he would be gone once she finally, finally arrived, and now that she knew for a fact that he was still here, had kept his promise and seemed to be at least physically all right, holding the tears of relief at bay proved to be more difficult than she might have expected.

Her breath leaving her in a shuddering gush of air, she reluctantly loosened her halt on Ryan and took a careful step back to look at him.

He should never look at her that wearyly.

"Ryan. I am so glad you are here."

"I…"

Sensing his helplessness in his search for words, she decided to make things a little easier on him for the moment being.

"How about we just get into the car, away from possibly prying strangers and dubious food smells, and then you can explain on the drive back home."

The flash in his eyes when she spoke of "home" convinced her that not having a confrontation right there and then was definitely the right choice. The boy was so on the edge, he seemed ready to run at a moments notice. It would be better to have him securely sitting in the passenger seat, from where he couldn't escape unless he wanted to jump out of a moving vehicle.

It might be entrapment, but she was not above playing dirty if it got her what she wanted. Which right now was for Ryan to come home, and give her some answers on the way. If she wanted to convince him that running away was possibly the stupidest thing he had ever done, therefore definitely not something he should repeat, ever, she would need as much ammunition as possible.

This was Ryan after all, and clueless as she was regarding his reasons for running away (not that there weren't more than enough to choose from, she admitted with a stab of guilt at being part of a lot of them and not having done anything against the others), she was also certain that to him, his actions made perfect sense and were probably the only option.

Convincing him he was wrong (because whatever he thought, he was) would be a challenge.

She took his hand and led him to the side of the car, waiting for him to sit down before rounding the vehicle and taking her place behind the steering wheel. She was proud when her fingers turning the key in the ignition didn't shake.

She was Kirsten Cohen. She strived on challenges, and she was not going to back down from this one.

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Ryan couldn't keep the air from escaping his lungs in a shuddering sigh. He didn't remember ever having been this emotionally exausted. Logically, he knew this couldn't be true, but somehow everything had happened at once today and despite the hours spend on the bus and then at the diner, he hadn't really been able to catch a break. It was hard to believe that it had really only been a day.

Studying Kirsten out of the corner of his eye, he had to admit to himself that thjis probably wasn't right, either. Most of what he was trying to wrap his head around had been building for months.

"Do you want me to ask questions or would you rather just tell me while I try not to interrupt?"

Kirsten threw a small smile his way while still keeping her focus on the traffic. To his own surprise, Ryan found himself fighting a grin of his own. The thought of any member of the Cohen-family having the patience to let him talk without interruptions was so improbable that he couldn't hide his amusement. The woman in the drivers seat beside him seemed to understand what he was thinking, because her smile widened.

"I'll really try, I promise. Your choice."

"I…I appreciate the offer, but I'm not sure what you want me to tell you. Its all just…" he trailed off, relizing that he couldn't even find the right words to articulate what was going through his mind at that moment. How on earth was he supposed to explain everything that had dominated his thought-process for the last couple of days?

"How 'bout we start with the obvious? Why did you leave? I mean just this morning, you told me that leaving was not an option because Marissa needed you. And while I would love to believe that you actually agree with my thoughts about that particular topic and no longer feel responsible for what happened to her, I don't think that's true. More importantly, I definitely didn't try to talk you out of your misplaced guilt so you would no longer have a reason to stay. That is definitely the last thing I would ever want."

Ryan fidgeted in his seat, trying in vain not to thing back to their conversation in the poolhouse that morning. He didn't think he had ever talked to Kirsten that openly, and the result had been disatrous. Now she wanted another heart-to-heart?

"Ryan? Whatever it is, I promise we will find a way to deal with it. Just, please talk to me. What did I say to you that was so horrible that you had to leave?"

Startled, he whipped his head around to look at her.

"You didn't say anything. Kirsten, why would you think that? You didn't do anything wrong, you never did."

"As much as whish that was true, we both know it isn't. I did plenty of wrong things, especially over the last couple of months. But Ryan, if it wasn't something I said, then why did you leave? I went to talk to Sandy and then suddenly you were gone…"

He heared the hesitation in her voice and cursed himself silently for making her feel as if she had done anything wrong. Kirsten had absolutely no reason to feel guilty, yet she obviousely did. And whether he wanted to talk about this or not, he couldn't let her blame herself like that.

"Really, you didn't do anything wrong. I did, and when I realized…"

Staring at the hands folded in his lap unfortunately didn't keep him from hearing the disbelief in her voice.

"Ryan, you were only left alone in the poolhouse for a couple of minutes, half an hour at best. What could you possibly have done in that time that left you with no coice other than running away? I mean, I am sure you have your reason, but right now I really can't fathom what they could possibly be."

He absentmindedly thought that this should make him feel better, hearing her proclaim her conviction that he couldn't possibly have done anything that bad. Instead, it made what he had to tell her even harder. He didn't think she would understand, but he owed her an explanation if he didn't want her to keep looking for things she might have done wrong.

"I shouldn't have told you. About Julie I mean. Sandy had his reasons for not telling you, and I should have respected that instead of going behind his back and talking to you. I didn't mean to cause trouble."

His announcement was met with silence and he found himself once more watching Kirsten out of the corner of his eye, trying to gauge her reaction and figure out what she was thinking. She took several deep breaths and closed her eyes for a short moment before speaking with a strained voice that hinted at repressed emotions.

"Telling me about Julie was necessary. The fact that Sandy failded to do so weeks ago is not your fault, and it certainly doesn't make your actions wrong. What she did was unforgiveable, and I had a right to know about it. She hurt you, she intentionally hurt you and because I didn't know, I let her get away with it, hurting you myself in the process. I am very, very gratefull that I know now and can take actions accordingly.

And yes, Sandy had his reasons for not telling me, but he was wrong. I love my husband very much, but God knows he's not perfect. I can't place all responsibility with him, because there are a lot of issues we should have dealt with a long time ago, and the fact that we didn't has lead to a lot of wrong decisions on both sides. But these are things that Sandy and I have to deal with, and we will.

Still, I don't understand why you telling me about what Julie Cooper did to you forced you to run away afterwards."

Ryan clenched his fingers unconciously. Listening to Kirsten talking about Sandy, about their relationship like that once more drove home to him how screwed up everything was. He knew that she was talking not only about what had happened after she had returned to Newport but also about everything that had lead up to her stay at Suriak. Everything that had been set in motion by him. How could he possibly explain that leaving the Cohens so that they could heal without his destructive influence was the only way he saw of making up to them everything he had done, to help them repair everything he had caused to fall apart? How could he even begin to apologize for all that?

"Ryan?"

That questioning tone again. He desperately wished he knew how to answer, how to convince her that the worry he detected in her tone was misplaced, but found himself unable to do so. He wished they weren't stuck in the small space of the car. The urge to distance himself from the situation in whatever way possible was growing stronger by the second.

"Honey, what's wrong? What…wait. You said you didn't want to cause trouble. You think telling me caused trouble? Why…You saw us arguing. Right?"

He merely nodded. Why was this so difficult? Why did this whole converstion make him feel so damn small?

"Oh Ryan. God honey, that's why you left? Because you though you had made us fight? Ryan, I love Sandy and he loves me, but that doesn't change the fact that we fight every now and then. We always have and we always will And believe me, fighting with Sandy, as much as I hate it, is much better than not saying anything and letting the problems grow and cause us to drift apart. If there is anything the last year taught me, it's that. Really, it's a good thing I found out about Julie. This way, we could discuss it before it got even worse."

She was looking at him again and Ryan tried to let himself be reassured by her words, but it was futile. Even if she was right and this morning's fight had been necessary (and he wasn't sure that it was, because in his experience, fights never made anything better), she had still reminded him once more of all the problems he had cause her and the other Cohens before. And those had definitely not been necessary.

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Reminding herself to keep her eyes on the road (short glances at the boy sitting in the passenger seat by her side not withstanding), Kirsten fought the sudden onslaught of memories.

They had only been living in Newport for a little more than a year and she had been fighting not to fall apart after the loss of her mother. She had been constantly on the edge and when Sandy had told her about Seth's complaints about Orange County and the fact that he had once more asked when they would be returning "home", she had lost it. And while she couldn't recall the ensuing fight with her husband, she still remembered Seth suddely running into the room, tears streaming from his eyes, cheeks red and breathing interrupted by panicked hiccups. He had startled both her and Sandy that night, claiming that he didn't really want to leave, hadn't meant to say that and could they stop fighting now because he really, really didn't want them to get a divorce like Lucy's parents had and he was so, so sorry for making them fight.

Ryan was far older, and she doubted he would ever allow himself to cry in front of her, but still she could not help but hear the same desperation underlying the few words he had said.

Seeing the tension in his shoulders when she risked a short glance to the side and hearing the shallow breathing that spoke of a desperate attempt to keep his emotions in check, she had no doubt that her words had failed to offer the reassurance he needed. Really, she wasn't surprised. If this day had taught her one thing, it was to always keep in mind that Ryan's lack of talking did not signify a lack of thoughts, very troubling thoughts in this case (and probably, she was forced to admit to herself, most of the other times as well, even if she - they all - often failed to realize this).

"What else Ryan? What else do you think is your fault?"

He finally lifted his head and she had to keep herself from gasping in shock at the guilt that was suddley displayed openly in his eyes.

_"Kirsten, no. I…it's better if I stay away. I just wanted to let you know properly. But, it's really better if…"_

She had heard him then, but in her desperate need to get him to tell her where he was, to promise that he would let her come pick him up, she had failed to really let the words register. What could possibly make him think that it was better for them – because what little he had told her had made it obvious that this was about what he though was best for them, not for himself- to be without him? How could he not see that things beeing good without him there was just not a possibility?

"Talk to me, Ryan. Please."

tbc...

**_In case I didn't make it clear before: This chapter (and the next one) really, really doesn't like me. So…feedback?_**


	15. Crossed Wires

„Talk to me Ryan, please

Dealing – Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Now that Josh isn't using them anymore, he really should officially give them to us. But no, I still don't own anything.

AN: I decided that another rewrite would drive me completely nuts, so I am posting this as it is despite the fact that it's still not right. Almost two years is already far, far too much time in between updates.

Super-special thanks to beachtree for going above and beyond the call of duty for beta-readers. I changed a lot after her great input, so assume that the good stuff was her idea and don't blame her for the rest.

**Crossed Wires**

"Talk to me Ryan, please."

Kirsten really shouldn't be allowed to look at him like that, as if her life depended on him giving in to her demand. He had known, when he had agreed to let her come pick him up, that she would want to talk, probably as long as they were sitting in the car.

But despite knowing how persistent she could be when she wanted to, he had deluded himself enough to believe that he might get away with non-committal answers, at least as long as it took him to find an answer that would satisfy Kirsten and the other Cohens waiting at home. But now, he couldn't help but remember his talk with Kirsten in the pool house.

Had it really been just this morning? She hadn't let him avoid her questions then, had somehow managed to make him actually tell her some of the things he had promised himself never to bother her with. And looking back, he realized that telling her about Julie had been the right thing to do.

No matter how much he hated having caused a rift between her and Sandy, having caused yet another fight between the couple who, before he had come to Newport, had had the most stable and loving relationship he had ever seen, no matter how much that hurt, she had been right when she said that she deserved to know what the woman she thought of as a friend had done.

He just really wished his confession hadn't meant that she lost that friend, when he knew she desperately needed her. The last thing he wanted to do was make her ongoing battle with her alcoholism any harder than it had to be. Which was why he had to get her to understand how much better she-all of them- would be off without him. Because while Sandy keeping the truth from her might have been wrong, it would never have even been an issue without him, simply because Julie wouldn't have had to take those desperate measures.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem as if Kirsten would be willing to accept his reasoning. She had guessed at his guilt over causing the fight between her and Sandy, but she had refused to let him take responsibility. And now she had apparently realized that the blame he had to take for all the things that had gone wrong in the Cohen family was the reason he needed to leave. And she wanted him to tell her about it, talk to her about everything he had done wrong and caused to happen to her and the people she loved.

Apart from really not wanting to talk about it all, he had no idea where to begin. There was too much, a seemingly endless string of bad decisions on his part, of moments in which he should have acted differently then he did, should have protected them better than he did. He didn't know if he would be able to face her after she finally realized just how much damage he had done to her beloved family.

He wasn't sure what would be worse, Kirsten realizing that they would be better off without him and sending him away, or Kirsten trying to convince him that he was wrong, out of some misplaced sense of obligation.

The first- knowing it for himself was one thing, and it made him sick whenever he thought about it to much. But looking in Kirsten's eyes, seeing her come to the realisation that coming after him had been a mistake, that the best thing she could possibly do for her family was to kick him out as soon as possible- he wasn't sure if he had the strength to actually watch that.

And the second option- Kirsten and Sandy were probably the most honourable people he had ever met, and he could very well imagine them refusing to send him away, even if they realized it would be better for them, simply because they had promised him a place to stay and would not renege on that promise. They might try once more to make him fit in with their family, and when he failed again, he would invariably end up causing even more damage. He might not be able to imagine how, but the thought of once more hurting the people to whom he owed so much was unbearable. (After all, that was his reason for leaving in the first place.) And it was a likely possibility.

Kirsten had done it just this morning when he had explained why he was to blame for what Trey had done to Marissa, and then again just now when he had tried to make her understand how horrible it was to be responsible for a fight between her and Sandy.

He wasn't sure exactly when it had happened, but somehow she had apparently decided to no longer allow him to take responsibility for his actions. It was a jarring change from the time before she had gone to Suriak, and a small part of his mind that wasn't occupied by other thoughts wondered what the people there had told her that had warped her sense of reality so badly that she couldn't accept what was clearly obvious to anyone who bothered to look.

In all honesty, he had expected the opposite when she returned. Weeks of intense therapy should have made it clear to her that all the things that had driven her to the bottle had been caused by him in one way or another. He had dreaded her return from the clinic for that very reason, not sure if he would be able to face her recriminations after everything else that had happened that summer. But instead of the confrontation he had tried to prepare himself for, she had hugged him. And started cooking. As if everything else hadn't already been strange enough.

"_What else do you think is your fault?" _

She had wanted to know, and no matter how badly he did not want to deal with the results this conversation would have, he owed her an honest answer.

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Kirsten could see the struggle in his eyes, read his hesitancy to answer in the clench of his jaw and the slight fidgeting of his hands. This was incredibly difficult for him, that much was obvious. But as much as she didn't want him to suffer, she needed him to answer her question. She felt as if they were finally getting somewhere, as if she had finally gotten to the bottom of what had motivated this scared little boy (and no matter if he liked to pretend otherwise, that was what he was at the moment) to run away from home and from his family.

She had been so scared at first that it had been something she had said or done, that she might have accidentally hurt him during their talk in the pool house without realizing it.

She should have known better. When Ryan got hurt, he didn't run away. He accepted the pain and went on pretending that nothing had happened. Apart from the basic self-protection and violence caused by hurt and betrayal that went so deep it was impossible to bury in his mind, Ryan hardly ever acted for his own sake, instead always putting himself in the line of fire to do what he thought was necessary to protect others. And she knew that.

It might have taken her a while to come to the realisation, probably a lot longer than necessary, but she had had a lot of time at Suriak to talk about her family and the problems they had- and more importantly the ones they hadn't – dealt with.

After Ryan had left to help Theresa in Chino, so many things had changed for them. She had become so angry, and only during her talks with her therapist had she come to understand that her anger at her two sons had come from two completely different angles.

She admitted, at least to herself, that a part of her still hadn't forgiven Seth for his temper-tantrum, for leaving her after she had just been forced to let Ryan go, and for somehow making Sandy take the hippy-parent approach.

It had taken longer for her to understand why she had been mad at Ryan at all, when all was doing was taking responsibility and helping out a girl who had been an important part of his life long before they ever got to know him. The realisation that Theresa's pregnancy had brought back issues she had never dealt with, brought complicated feelings that had come with her decision to have an abortion to the surface after years of trying to pretend nothing had ever happened was a painful one.

Coming to terms with the fact that she had somehow projected her anger over her own helplessness onto Ryan had been even worse. Seeing the boy, who was younger than she had been at the time, take responsibility the way he had, dedicating himself to making the best out of an awful situation had brought back all the doubts she had had when it had been her choice to make.

The time at Suriak had helped her to actually come to terms with her past, and letting go of her misplaced feelings towards Ryan had happened with barely any conscious thought. With that process had come a better understanding of why Ryan had done what he did. But after coming back to Newport, she had allowed herself to once more get caught up in the every day drama, and her resolution to spent more time with her son, to let him know how proud she was of him had been pushed to the side by his expulsion and her own insecurity.

And Ryan continued to make decisions about his live based on what he thought was best for others. Just like he had left for Chino to help Theresa, like he had decided not to leave on that boat out of his misplaced sense of obligation to Marissa to make up for his brothers crimes, he had run away this morning because he had thought himself to be the reason for trouble between herself and her husband and had apparently believed that the only way to fix it would be to remove himself from the equation.

And given his reaction to her question, she was now almost sure that more of that completely misplaced blame he seemed to be struggling with might have been the reason why he had wanted to leave in the first place.

She was baffled that she hadn't thought of it before. Given how strongly responsible Ryan felt for what had happened to Marissa and his constant need to take care of her, there really was no way that he would have wanted to leave Newport for himself, to escape from the situation and his then seemingly hopeless future, as she and Sandy had thought he had.

Not that the wish to escape everything hadn't played into it as well, but a wish for some time alone would have never been enough to motivate Ryan to leave behind what he thought was his to take care of. For him to go to those lengths there had to be something else, something he thought he was doing for others. And nothing was a stronger motivator for a person with a sense of responsibility as over-developed as his than guilt. How had she not realized this before?

"Ryan?"

She hated pressuring him, but if they were to ever make it through this mess, if their family was to make it out of this more or less in one piece, she needed to understand what else Ryan thought was his fault. Then maybe, with help from Sandy and Seth, she would be able to convince him that he was wrong.

And, even more important than that, together they might be able to make him understand that, even if he screwed up and something actually was his fault, that did not mean that he had to leave them. She didn't want him to ever leave again.

"Ryan, please. I want to help you, but I need you to talk to me. I promise to listen. What else do you think is your fault?"

The boy sitting by her side drew a shuddering breath, wearily closed his eyes for a second and then began to speak, his voice oddly monotone and emotionless.

"I just really think that I haven't been very good for your family."

She fought down the urge to interrupt right then and there. It was hard for him to talk about this, and she had promised to hear him out. She would have time to tell him how wrong he was later.

"I mean, I know that Seth didn't really have a lot of friends before I came to Newport and he didn't have Summer, but other than that…I didn't mean to do it, but I caused so much trouble."

He was looking at her now, apparently expecting an answer. She wasn't even sure where to start.

"All kids cause trouble sometimes. And you're a kid, even if you tend to act more responsibly than a lot of adults I know. So, some problems every now and then are expected. But right now, I honestly don't know what you are talking about. Because none of the problems you have had since you came into our family have been bad for us, for our family. It seems to me that you only ever got yourself into difficult situations- and if remember correctly, most of the time you did so trying to help or protect others."

Based on his startled expression, it was obvious he had not expected her to say that. Did he think she didn't recognize what a good friend and brother he had been over the course of the past two years?

Of course he didn't, she answered her own question. After all, it wasn't as if they had ever actually talked about any of it, since she had allowed her insecurities to keep her from taking a more active role in his life and she had instead left most of the parenting up to her husband. Her husband who, judging on everything she had learned since her return to Newport, didn't really know how to help the boy any more than she did.

"I really don't know what you mean when you say you haven't been good for our family. What do you think you did that was so horrible you had to leave?"

He was still so hesitant to speak, his trouble at the mere thought of opening up to her obvious in the way he averted her gaze, focusing instead on the hand fidgeting with the hem of his pocket. This wasn't working.

And why should it? She asked herself. Her asking for answers might be enough to make him feel obligated, but sometimes a sense of duty wasn't enough. Much more importantly, she didn't want him to talk to her merely because he thought he had to, to tell her what he thought she wanted to hear instead of what he was really thinking and feeling.

She of all people knew how difficult sharing like that actually could be. She knew the instinctive need to keep some things to herself, not to make herself vulnerable by opening up to those around her. If she wanted him to allow her insight into what was going on in his mind, the least she could do was offer him the same in return.

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"You know, you remind me a lot of myself some of the time."

Where had that come from? He had expected her to get impatient with his lack of talking, to pressure him or loose interest or…something. Definitely not this non sequitur. And he reminded Kirsten of herself? What on earth did a Chino-juvenile-delinquent have in common with a Newport born-and-raised perfect society-lady?

"Really, you do." She must have seen the scepticism in his face. "We obviously come from very different backgrounds, but I do believe that there are some things we share. I think you and I are both very protective of our families and the people we love. We are both pretty good listeners. Or well, I can be a good listener when I let myself. We're both good at balancing out the more…talkative parts of our family."

His grin at that was met with her own. She surely knew as well as he did that "talkative" was the understatement of the century when describing Sandy and Seth. Only when she turned her eyes away again did he realize that he had not protest her talking about the two Cohen-men as part of "their" family. He did consider all the Cohen's part of his, but somehow, having her include him as well was still different. Protecting the Cohens was the least he could do to repay them for everything they had done for him. But having Kirsten include him, yet again, as a part of the family …he didn't think he would ever get used to that. People like him didn't have families like the Cohens

"Unfortunately, we seem to share some of the less positive habits as well. I used to think that it was better to keep a lot of things to myself. Sometimes because I didn't think it was anyone's business, sometimes because I didn't want to burden people. I think most of the time, it was fear of what people would do with the information I gave them. Opening up- it makes you very vulnerable. Nobody wants to be hurt.

It's a little strange, that we should share that trait when our childhoods were so different. I don't know nearly as much as I should about the way you grew up, about what your family was like before things got so bad that your mother couldn't take care of you anymore. And I have no illusions about the fact that her leaving you must have hurt you beyond anything I could ever imagine.

So, I am not saying all this to belittle what you went trough by comparing us. I just think that maybe, if you understand why I sometimes kept myself so closed of, it might make it easier for you to forgive me for that, and for both of us to move forward it a healthier way."

He wanted to interrupt her here, tell her that she had done nothing that needed to be forgiven, but it was obvious that telling him whatever she had to say was important to her, so the least he could do was listen.

"My father- Caleb was not a very nurturing man. My mom tried to balance him out, but she didn't always succeed. And she never told him to change the way he treated us. I guess I kind of followed her example. I was so focused on making him love me that I let him get away with far too much. And I'm not only talking about the way he treated me.

He never accepted Sandy, Seth was never good enough for him…and I was too afraid of fighting with the only parent I had left to call him on it. And when you joined our family … I don't think I will ever fully understand why he was so hostile towards you. I think a part of it was the fact that you came from comparable backgrounds. But where he became ruthless, you stayed the loving, caring boy that you are. Maybe he couldn't take that. I'll never know. What I do know…Ryan?"

Her questioning tone was impossible to ignore, but he didn't know what to say. She must have noticed the way he tensed at the mention of her inability to ever talk to her father again, to settle whatever issues they had had. She would want to know what had caused the reaction.

"Ryan? What's wrong? Why…Does it bother you? Talking about my dad?"

No use lying. He might be good at omitting facts, but outright lying to peoples faces? He had never been good at that.

"I just… I am really sorry, about everything that happened with your father. You know that, right?" She had to. At least that much, she had to know.

"I am not sure I understand. I mean, I know that you felt sorry for my loss when my father died, but I somehow get the feeling that's not what you mean. Ryan?"

He should just try to get this over with. She might not be as comfortable with words as her husband and son, but she shared their persistency. Now that she had obviously realised how the topic was bothering him, there was no way she would let it go until she understood why.

Maybe it was better to talk about it. It would be painful, facing her after she remembered the amount of damage he had caused, but he deserved it. Better him than the Cohens getting hurt again because of something he did. When she was done making him talk, she might be willing to forget about bringing him back to Newport and concede to drop him of at the next rest stop instead.

After all, she had said herself that the need to protect the Cohen family from anything that might harm it was something they had in common. If she let him go, he wouldn't have to feel bad about leaving, because he had actually managed what everyone else in his family hadn't and given an explanation instead of simply taking off. And she could go home to her husband and son, to a family no longer burdened by him and all of his issues.

"I meant I am sorry about you loosing your father because of me. I never would have yelled at him if I had known- really, I never should have yelled at him at all. It was not my place. I am just really, really sorry."


End file.
